Yo. So, I’ve never fancied myself a practical person. I overspend, waste, and I unintentionally let things wilt. It’s not on purpose. But, it happens. I’ve been trying to expand my gloomy horizons, and I wanted to start with putting old things to good use!
Here are some things that I might not use at all, but I will find them just so I can re-purpose some things on purpose!
Old fireworks: Ever wake up on the 5th of July and think to yourself: “Day-um. Last night was probably fu-un, if only I could just remember how I set my frayed, coverall pants on fire!” (pronounced FAR). We all have. But, fear not! Now, there’s a use for these important pillars of life’s treasures. I like to fancy myself inventive, and am turning over a new leaf. Now my motto is “Waste not!” It used to be: “This dam is permanently closed, my friends.” So, as far as the old July 4th sparklers are concerned, I just have a gut feeling that these would make for a fantastically ridiculous, astronomically, economically feasible, highly sophisticated corn dog holder. I think you should first decide which end you want to stick it on, but I am convinced that your home-made batter-filled, glutinous, fatty hillbilly fried corn dog coating will taste better on the end of this crusty dust stick.
AC vent filter: Just imagine. You’re patronizing Nickel Beer on a Wednesday night with your high waisted acid washed, tight ankle jeans, and you realize that you merely can’t waste one more second of your life without building a replica of the shooter trays that you love to pretend that you always had the extra $3 for. It’s a LUCKY, LUCKY day! Now your dreams can come true. You and your fun, non-losery ’90’s friends can enjoy some pathetic nostalgia right in the comfort of your own living room couches with the big fabric palm trees. And, there are so many rows and columns on this damn filter that my 2003 copy of “Excel for Dummies“ book might be getting a run for it’s money.
Used, oily brown, paper bags: Who doesn’t like to bring their lunch to work in a sweet, sweaty lunch sack? Count me in. I like to use these gifts as a diversionary tactic for a serious shakedown in the making. The thing is, when I bring nice ones, or even my real lunch box, Sal in accounting likes to peruse the Kenmore in search of the fresh, daily smorgasbord options that it has to offer. When Sal stumbles upon my grease encrusted wrinkled and holy brown lunch sack, I’m not positive, but I’m pretty sure that he will drop that like it’s hot and keep on trucking to the next mouth-watering selection.
Old, ratty basketball net: I just get the overall warm and euphoric feeling that this would be a smart, safe, and super fun obstacle course for my cat to toy around with. She’s so cute when she swipes the air with her paws, and then rolls around on her catnip mouse, whilst treading on her belly through the “net course” like she’s in day 3 of feline friendly boot camp. “Faster, recruit!” Or, I can go to the beach and set up a stand where I sell them 2 for $35 and insist that they’re the first to buy these hot, popular trendsetting banana hammocks that are all the rage in northern England.
Used Solo cup: Man, I become anxious and twitchy when I am forced to throw away those perfectly good urine collection container-esque cups. Cups of SPLENDOR, I calls them! So what do I do with them? I’m looking for a collection, a collection of sorts. I need to store something in them. Have anything in mind?
Q-tips: I don’t know about you, but on the days where I’m not feeling 22, I need a spot to collect my massive used Q-tip collection. and I need to put them somewhere. Luckily, there’s an idiot out there with a collection of fancy, yet unassuming used Solo cups with nowhere to turn! Do you know where I can find such a person? This is the best day ever and I’m never turning back!
Asscrack beach sand: It happens to the best of us. We are sitting on a towel in the sand in our micro-kinis, and then I realize that my ass just ate the towel I was sitting on, and is also vacuuming up millions of sand particles at an alarmingly high amount of speed. Nobody can stop it. We might as well make some good use out of it. You know those fun baby food jars filled with layers of colored sand that you would make every single year back in vacation bible school for your grateful parents? Just imagine that colorful scenery, but then make sure you add in a hidden soda bottle label, 52 cigarettes that your grandmother chain smoked that day, 1 empty Vienna Sausage can (a beach must have in my family) and a baby diaper from the family next to us that constantly let their kid run up to our swell set up and attempt to grab said very pricey Viennas. But, please note that it certainly wasn’t in any shape or form a SWIM diaper that you’re supposed to put on your child in the water. It wasn’t the kind you would put on your kid if you were following the rules. Oh, also – it was a very big baby food jar.
Used/old sunscreen containers: If you take the tops off of 3 of these jewels, then you have a new game of “Which top is the big prize under, A, B or C?” It’s a game that you can take on the road. You can make unlimited funds with this classy game of skill and cerebral talent, and you don’t even have to fill out a W4.
Broke down computer keyboard keys: How many times have you pulled out your old Scrabble game, only to remember that you have lost half of your tiles? No worries! We’ve got a solution. Nobody will ever notice, and once again you can create all of your spectacular words, for an award-winning, sweet display of “EIEIOO.” Because, let’s be honest.Those are the tiles that I always boast. Every time. #nevergonnagetaz.
Old textbook: Have you ever pulled up to your parking lot at work and thought to yourself: “Oh, bother. I’ve forgotten my sophisticated QVC jeweled bracelet today, sigh and swoon!” Well, if your vehicle is a perma-mess like mine, then just take a look around! What can you substitute for fine bedazzled jewels? Hmm, let me see….I GOT IT. There’s a crispy, sun burnt textbook from 2012 laying up under my passenger seat. Let’s see what I can pull together. Voila! A cutting edge, savory newsprint paper bracelet. It’s a sought after high dollar commodity, AND it’s so price-free that it’s priceless.
So, see people – it can be done. You can make timeless treasures out of your waste. Waste doesn’t have to be permanent. Death is permanent. Death does actually suck, but these inventions do not.