I’ve been thinking. No, that’s not EVER a good thing, but nonetheless – my noggin has been herkin’ and jerkin,’ and sputtering dust. What’s got me all in a quandary, you are most definitely asking yourself? Well, I have a New Years Resolution to give. To somebody else.
I’m giving a New Years Resolution to my future Powerball 1 billion dollar richer self. There are some things that I’m going to need to know, and I figure that I am going to need to hear some heartfelt advice from someone who knows a thing or two about life. But, that person wasn’t available, so I’m going to do it.
1. Hide like Hell. Don’t give interviews, avoid the media, because absolutely no spotlight is needed. You need to hide and run, and lie if asked face to face, and devoid, deny, and act flippant. Basically, just stay passive-aggressive.
2.This way, you can still walk into Walgreens, and buy your favorite .99 lipstick and cotton underwear. With no cameras or jackasses to point and stare. Mental note – go buy some new undies and lipstick.
3. Keep buying your 1990’s faded, stone washed jeans from Goodwill. For real, keep it real. Fuh-realz. Keep buying your second hand shirts, shoes, pants and books, and then walk into Nordstroms with your fancy new outfit on, and buy a nice, new wallet for your fresh wad of jack. I mean, they don’t sell durable wallets just anywhere.
4. Keep living in your normal house where your kids have friends, etc., but I guess you could splurge and put in a pool. But, let’s not go too crazy here. Let’s start with an above ground pool, and see how that goes for a couple of years. Patience is key. No deck, though. Let’s not go overboard. Oh, no diving board either.
5. There really is not a need for a new, expensive vehicle. This will blow your cover. Let’s keep driving the current mom van, with seat encrusted McDonald’s in every crevice you can fathom, and let the kids keep drooling and leaking kid fluids on the seats. Maybe just invest in a new shampooer and a couple of Renuzits.
6. You should really keep your job. I know you will be $1 billion richer. But, you never know what kind of hard times you may fall upon, and you always need to have something to fall back on. I guess it would be wise to take a couple of classes and finish your degree. It really depends on how much $, though because courses are freaking HELLA expensive these days. And I’m not trying to stay up late and lose my beauty sleep for the job that I’m still going to.
7. Go buy the last Harry Potter book. You’re almost done with the series, and it would be really nice to have the book for once, instead of having to borrow them from the library. Don’t get me wrong -You love going to the library. You can still do that, but walking out into the parking lot with the 12 books each that my kids always check out, just won’t allow you to ever get any of your own. Maybe just take a day off and go to the library by yourself. And get a Starbucks on the way, because you’re a billionaire now, and you have priorities. Caffeine is vital, if you still have your vitals.
8. Buy some new hair dye. No need to go to a salon. I do my own hair, can’t stand vagrant or non-vagrant small talk, or people touching me, and plus – girl, your roots are showing.
9. Buy a couple rolls of paper towels. Because you use them for everything, even as a drying tool when you’re washing dishes, you’re definitely going to need more. Maybe grab some from Sam’s! Oh, you’re going to need a membership. That shit is not cheap.
10.Listen, self. There is NO reason to go all crazy and go purchase new undergarments at those fancy, secretive stores. Just go to Target, go buy some bra extenders, and call it a day. Because, let’s be honest – you’re going to be lounging in your new pool a LOT, and that’s a sure fire way to pack on the lb’s.
In a glazed over walnut shell, here are the things you should stick to purchasing when you are the lucky Powerball winner: An air freshener for your mom van, an above ground pool (with no deck), one new lipstick, some cheap undies, a new wallet, one college course, a box of hair dye (buy 2 if it’s bogo!) a package of paper towels, a bra extender, a Sam’s membership, (while you’re at it, grab a hotdog out front) and the last Harry Potter book. You are now officially a baller. A Powerballer!