The holidays can be stressful. The holidays can produce a broke, paranoid, hopeless, frustrated and psychologically bankrupt shell of a dumbass. With that being said, if I didn’t have a severe, troublesome and penetrating case of stage fright, I think my dream job would be a comedian. Not that I’m overly funny, or am the wittiest person on my 2-house block, but I do love a good sarcastic snort, and every now and again, I just may or may not have a comeback that is LIFE-CHANGING. It’s always after the fact, like 2 hours, and I’m kicking myself for not blurting it out at the time. But, nonetheless, they are gooooood. Okay, Clark?
So, if ever given the opportunity to wear one of those crazy blue onesie cover up shadow ensembles that covers your whole entire face and body, here’s what some of the material in my stand up act would be. The lights would need to be turned off, and only 5 audience members would be invited. And those lucky blokes would be my family who already have sympathy for my stupid ass anyway. But, it’s the holidays, and we could all use some laughs!
There’s this crazy, out of control graffiti artist that is on the loose in my middle class suburban area. The tag line is NERD! I mean, how appalling! Of all the vile, pit-stained, hash marked things to call people. How dare you! If the police department comes to my house to ask me to identify the suspect in an official line up, I’m scoping out Ned Flanders. Calm down with your filthy language! The audacity. My children have to pass by this eyesore every day, so I might go cover it up with a tag like “ass sprout,” or a “shit bung” just to tone that nonsense down! Yo bitches be Trumpin!’
So everyone gains weight from time to time. Most people gain weight in their bellies, butts, boobs. That’s cool. But, not me. I gain weight in my armpits. I swear. I raise my hand, and the crows gasp: “There’s a naked baby under there!” “Howie Mandell and the Rock are playing hide and go seek under Tara’s pit skin. Otherwise, she’s so crafty. And, thin. And young AF.” This is no joke – a 3rd boob actually appears under there. One that the men don’t stare at when they’re supposed to be looking me in the eyes. “Excuse me! Look HERE, not under there!” “Eyes away from the prize, bro. That is a gift that you can unwrap later.”
Also, speaking of heifers, what already has given me grief my entire life, what already is bigger than the universe itself is the fact that another thing when I gain 5 pounds that is affected are my sweltering cankles that pop like a booty twerk. BOOYA. If you walk by, they’ll bitch slap you in the face. Why can’t I have fat stored in normal places like my unilateral, one side A – and other side C + BREASTESSES? My damn Trumped up rack.
Why are Chick-fil-a employees so damn excited? Every time I go through the drive through, there are a set of employees to take my order, which, are the ‘fluffers,’ and then the climax order taker takes your money when you get to the front. Sometimes, I go to McDonald’s just to be treated like a normal piece of shit so I don’t have to play fake friendsies with the blonde sorority girl who is psyching me into thinking my much wanted college diploma is worthless. “I’m pulling up, you faker! This is still a fast food gig!” “But, I’m here to fluff you and stroke your eyebrows and give you a hand massage until you have to pull around to the ASININE 2 sided drive through lane where the leprosy stricken Volvo in the other lane will inevitably pull in front and take your spot!” I hate fakers. She yelled that long string of obscenities like she’s said it a time or two. Anyway, I’d much rather be ignored by the self-loathing unicorn goth at the McDonald’s drive through that effs up my order while I simultaneously question how I’m worthy enough to be in her dark magic presence. Trump that!
It’s not on purpose that when I think of my top 3 comedians (“ennes”), they’re all females. I’m not a feminist, but there is some real good lady talent out there. Kathy Griffin is someone that I feel the need to attend every concert. I once sat in the front row, and her cooter sweat spewed over in my direction and landed on the brand new autographed hat that my husband bought for me. I love how KG is the first person to admit that she does not have her act together. I can relate to that. Self deprecation is my life mantra. So is defecation. Whatever.
Ellen was my first comedienne love fest. I LOVE me some Ellen. From when I was a young tike, I remember seeing her on comedy show channels, appreciating the refreshing sarcasm that she is popular for. Too bad I’m too socially shittastic for that gig. Oh, and Ellen just received mad props from Obama. Class act in my book.
I’m the kind of person who when their kids fill out those questionnaires in pre-school strictly for their parent’s enjoyment – “How old is Mommy?” My kids’ answer: “She’s 112.” “What color is your Mommy’s hair?” “Silver.” And the best question yet – “What is your Mommy doing right now?” Answer: “Mommy probably just fell up the stairs – not down, because she’s psychotically clumsy with two left cankles. Now that you mention it, we need to jet and go help a sister out.”
Just when I thought I had enough female comedienne adoration… Melissa McCarthy. Her movies make a bitch roll, and her mannerisms are insane funny.
Now, here’s a gift to you. When you start feeling that holiday stress get you down, just let me ask you a question. Are these well-built, extremely athletic legs glowing with oil, or do you see white paint? As many times as I look, I just can’t tell the difference. I feel Trumpified. I will survive, hey hey!
Kevin Hart, Eddie Murphy, Conan O’Brien, Dana Carvey, David Spade, Adam Hammer, David Letterman, Damon Wayans and Jeff Dye and Jimmy Fallon are my favorite male comedians. I just had a couple. Many of these men paved the way for my love of comedy, but obviously didn’t lend a hand to my routine.I love me some male comics also.
Seriously, peeps. What other possible way out there trumps (damn, that’s like 4 in one blog post!) humor? There really is no comparison. In a year like 2016, when the holidays are approaching, and all of the stress is starting to work its way to your sphincter, just remember. There are people like me who care. If you can’t laugh with me, laugh at me. Or something. We’re all in this together!
“Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing.” – Mark Twain
“Humor is something that thrives between man’s aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth.” – Victor Borge