A season of thanks

So. I’m not a sappy SOB. I’m not. But, there are those times in my life where I do like to be a little reflective. Like when I’m trying to cross the street in the dark, or dodging a bullet meant for a deer. And every now and again, perhaps for the Thanksgiving occasion. Because I’ve been told that’s what you’re supposed to do. So, in the holiday spirit, I am here to bestow upon you my list of gratitudes, and other dumb shit.

First of all, I’m super thankful for my 3 miracle nuggets. I would not be the delusional, insane, neurotically bung fire mess that I am today because of them, and for that, I thank my lucky asteroids on a daily basis. It’s so rewarding to me that although my family knows I’m a freak, they still let me come home every day. One day they’ll probably catch me so they can finally get me the help I need, blah blah, but until then, bon appetit!

Second – OMG. I’m thankful for these red Starbucks cups. It brings a jackass so much joy and inner reflux burning to just think about the day that the red cups emerge. And they’re here! They’re here!!! And they’re so very shiny and perdy.

Third – I’m thankful for Thanksgiving and all that it brings. The family chilling together and the kids running around telling on each other every 5 minutes, wallering in the mud, sneaking snacks and skipping the meal, and the football. Believe it or not, I’m thankful for the football. But not my dog’s stank breath.

Fourth – I’m thankful for not talking *(*##(*#@#$%% politics at Thanksgiving. I’m sure it will more than likely come up. But, I’m thankful for myself in that I have the ability to Duck and Dash. This is a method that I have perfected after years of uncomfortable conversations that I’ve had with random people throughout my life span. I’ve got the Duck and Dash perfected. If a conversation arises, I can literally look directly at NOBODY, say to invisible human: “What? Okay. Mommy will come and watch you, then.” I then shimmy off of my bar stool, sachet around the corner, and I disapperate. Wizardry skills.

Fifth – I’m thankful for funny words. I’m thankful for the people who invented words like: Taint, mooseknuckle, cameltoe, queef, shank, snook, boobalock (I must be thankful for myself on this one), muff cabbage, lady hole, snooch, cooch, and aardvark. Hats off to those geniuses.

Sixth – I’m thankful for these 2 assholes. I would like to get a third asshole, because these 2 are so satisfying.

Thankful9 Thankful10 Seventh – I’m thankful for the Hallmark channel. Out of all of the 168 movies that I will waste my life taping, then watching one by one by one, I inevitably will find one that was worth the trouble. And that makes a dumb bitch smile.

Eighth – I’m thankful for pants. Without pants, I would really have a much lower tolerance for people. I do not really need a reason to lower my tolerance, so I’m thankful for pants, not spandex ones, not ones that feature a tight mooseknuckle, but ones that cover your shit and make me apathetic to be in your company.

Ninth – I’m thankful for the easy things in life. The fact that $20 will make me a happy camper is really not something to sneeze at. And I like cheese.

Tenth – I’m thankful for having 8 fantastic years in the White House, and that I was able to enjoy my favorite POTUS and FLOTUS and soak up all of their goodness, generosity, class and morality. I’ll remember you with gratitude and fondness, and I can’t promise that when I see flashbacks of your tenure, that a big croc-igator tear will not well up.