Comebacks

So. Once again, I’ve been a-thinkin.’  My wires are crossing and short circuitry is transpiring. I’m proposing and entertaining so many things! What’s got my block in a twist is my newest fixation. I’m fixated (not orally) on something that I find beautifully intriguing about MOST PEOPLE.

I feel like most people are good at the comebacks. Not me. I can’t. That’s predominately the reason why I am a writer. I can’t think on the fly. I can, however, have something thrown at me, catch it, put it in my pocket, take it out a few days later after I’ve done laundry and it’s been washed and dried, try and look at it, but it’s too crumpled, and I’ve already forgotten what it says, but at least my pants are clean. Bottom line is, I suck at  immediate retorts. I have been known to pull one out of my bungus, but most of the time, I got nothin.’  I need a minute. I have some processing situations happening, and I need to sit back and pontificate my responses, SON!

So, just like most of us, I, too have had a few nutcracks in my life who have made some remarks. I kick myself in my arse daily for not being able to: “Oh yeah, well your epidermis is showing!”  Not good? Obviously I have a lot of work to do.

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One time when my daughter needed my non-comebacky wisecracks most, I fell short. My baby was in an acrobatics class last year and there was a little turd who pulled out ALL the nasties. My daughter is tough. She lets things slide off her back; she has hella smarts, and is super quick and witty. But, she goes to class to learn skills, and felt like countering back to this little crap Cruella would get her into some trouble that she is just not looking to get in.

We sat in my van and we tried out some different one-liners. Most of them were inappropriate, but those were still not worth mentioning. Here are a couple samples: “Just tell her to quiet up her poopy pants because those soggy things will start to sag when she lunges in for her headstands!”  Fail.

Tell that doody face to stop being a stank pitted banana hammock!”  Fail. You cannot say that to an 8 year old.

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But, I’m not here to insult the children. I just don’t know why the information doesn’t come out the way that it seems like it would. I just always jack sayings up. I get nervous, I can’t think straight and then the person who insulted me WINS. EVERY TIME! Dag nabbit, you big meanies!

Because of this, I wish people who would spew the hate would be receptive to a written retort. A thought bubble with the “thinking” ellipses will appear above my head, I will turn around so that I can feel like I am solo, then turn back around and bust out a fantastically thought out witty retort. I’m going to start trying that out.

comeback5I just love that quality about people, when they have the most lovely, witty comebacks that makes my raging split ends curl. I don’t know if it’s a skills that I will inherit maybe when I’m in my 60’s, or maybe even never. Maybe one day some hussy will steal my Bingo blotter, and something very smart and snarky will come to me as I grab her Jazzercise tights and yell: “Hey Richard Simmons – unhand my blotter right now, you weird face weirdo!”  Still not going to work.

comeback4So, good for you, all of you “I’m such a great insulter” people. Good for you! Must be nice to be able to just spew out the retort, never giving it a second thought, and to be able to watch the venom sting. Must be nice. Sure must be swell to be able to sling your sweet slander and have that immediate gratification. Let me know how good that feels.

comebacks11As for me, I guess I’ll just live vicariously through you. I’ll sit here and I’ll think of 112 stupid witty comebacks, and I’ll write them down, and save them in my phone, and I’ll enjoy myself a little giggle when I realize those nobby kneed nincompoops will not know what is going to hit them. 25 minutes after they insult me. Bye, all you snot-nosed yahoos.

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