Elf revisited

Oh, hello.  So my FAVORITE time of year is here, the fall/winter tag team combo, including all my favorite holidays and traditions. As my faithful followers are already aware. These traditions that we totally make up, that are inconsistent as all get out, will more than likely have us laughing, cackling and guffawing for years to come.  Squee! I can’t wait, I can’t wait!!  As much as I love fall and Christmas in and of itself, if I had to pick 2 favorite things, I’ma (because you still have to use proper grammar even when you’re slanging) have to go with: Black Friday and Elf on the Shelf!

Why on earth would anyone love Black Friday?”

Asks the devil, and his stupid, brainless advocate.

You’re so lucky I’m here! Today is the first day of the rest of your life!  You have not lived or breathed until you have read, understood, and flourished from this blog post. You’re probably reading this while sitting on the can, but nevertheless, let’s learn!

Black Friday rocks. Why? Because not only do I love a good bargain, but Black Friday, for me, signifies the first hint of Christmas. I love the rush of sitting down the night before and scrolling through the ads, brainstorming which paths we’re going to take, planning our attack.  I go with my mom and my kids. We never, ever take those paths, but the unnecessary planning is half the fun.  We bunk over at my mom’s pad the night before, and all of us get up stupendously early, like butt crack thirty, or so.  My favorite bargains are the bargains and treasures that I run into by surprise. The unadvertised meat and potatoes of your Black Friday dreams. “A $4 knock off Pandora bracelet that will turn green in 10 minutes?”  YES, I’ll take 5!  I never said I wasn’t a ridiculous lunatic.

She’s a Black Friday Woman!”

Walking into the mall at 3:30 in the morning that one time a year is one of the most exhilarating moments of my petty, idiotic existence. It’s stupid. I know. But, every year I pinch myself, and have to whisper in my own ear somehow:  “It’s here, it’s here!” Because I’m a dumbass like that, and get really excited about  mind numbingly miniscule things in life. I’ll purchase the most random, nonsensical items and come home with my greasy bag full of non-treasures and roll around on them on my bed like it’s a trash bag full of money that just got randomly tossed to me. That I just so happened to catch.

elf I get SO super excited about this Elf on the Shelf tradition. I can hardly contain myself. Why? Because my kids freaking love it. What my kids love and enjoy makes it that much more exciting for me, and every year I challenge myself to come up with bigger and better scenes for this dimwit to get involved in. I love waking up in the morning and watching my kids run around the house to find whatever shenanigans this joker has created. It’s always something that is going on at the moment in our lives, current events, (like I totally think “Nicky” might be sporting a Donald Trump comb over at least once this season) things that the kids play with a lot, their favorite toys, etc. Oh! I make lists!  Starting in January, I’ll start making a list because I’m always scheming. And because my non-elaphantitis like short-term memory fails me on a daily basis. A thought appears: “Oh my, wouldn’t it be funny if Nicky was …..” And the list begins.  So, for people who think this Elf on the Shelf thing is a ridiculous time sucker and there just aren’t enough hours in the day, I say to you: Ok, whatever, I don’t care. It’s super FUN and memory inducing for us!

elf2My husband is a Giants fan. When him and my son are getting ready to go watch a Giants game in Jacksonville, and I just so randomly happen to have a miniature sized old school Burger King Happy Meal jersey, color me ecstatic.

elf4Every year I like to incorporate St. John family current events.  Also, probably the most thrilling and fulfilling piece to the Elf puzzle is every night searching for that perfect accessory.  Yes, I make a list, and I sometimes put things aside, but putting the scene together for someone diagnosed legally with “Craft and Stupid Elf OCD”  takes finding the exact, perfect ingredients. And I’ll search all freaking night if I have to.  This Harry Potter scene was pretty early on in my book series, where I was only on book 2, so there was probably a ton of potential other fun things I could’ve used; but finding a pleather jacket (from one of my son’s WWE figures) pipe cleaner glasses, and a fake, drawn, colored and taped on Gryffindor scarf made my life. Crushed it.

elf5This scenario is 2.3 seconds away from a Dolls Gone Wild episode. Despite my passion for planning, there are times when I still walk around the entire house, and I’m at a loss for ideas. Then I come across a simple photographic tool, and the light bulbs, AND the fireworks start to go off.

elf6I couldn’t resist a twerking elf.  There’s nothing funnier.  NOTHING. And, keeping with the theme of “current events,” it is just something that I had to do. However, there’s also nothing more annoying than having to tape my elf’s hands closed because his body is a cheap, barely 3D felt-oriented, pointy and non-movable limb fest. Not a wonderland.

elf7Now, for some clean fun to break up the nasty. See, my kids are tough. They inherited my sarcasm, high bar for humor, and in most ways, difficult to impress nature. My son is not going to be impressed with the scene above. My girls, however, thought it was precious. I have 3 different audience members that I have to keep in mind. That is my challenge, and that challenge has been accepted threefold. I’m on a constant quest to bring it. With each scene, I have to bring it more than the time before. It’s a mentally defunct and super exhausting game. But, I’m going to win. I rotate each night creating scenes either from their toys or using things that they’re involved in. It never fails to impress.

elf9Really.  Nicky sharted. If you do not laugh at this, then you are not a moronic, ridiculously immature 44 year old.

Pinterest Elf ideas?  Okay. I find myself intrigued at times. The first year that our elf came about, I found myself using some of those ideas, and tweaking them to my kids’ comedic benefit. Thanks to all of my friends who always feel the need to forward me the “Tara, here are some great elf ideas for you!” Ideas that I have seen before. A shitwad of times. “Oh my! Look at that elf taking a bath in marshmallows!”  Or, “Goodness gracious, is that silly elf making a snow angel in some flour on the kitchen counter??”  Although, I have come across some genius ideas on Pinterest before, and it has saved me a handful of times when my brain was flatlining, I would just rather come up with ideas on my own. I make photo albums for my kids, and I like them to be quasi unique.

Okay, folks.  What did we learn from this post? I hope we learned to stop the judgy pointy fingers. Some of us ding dongs just want to make their kids laugh and become immersed in all of the potential possibilities that the elf can find himself in. It’s as simple as that. My kids love it. My kids laugh. To me, it’s all about my kids’ faces. It’s all about them sharing stories with each other when they first wake up and discover what this dingus has done. And, I love it when they tell others with their innocent excitement what the elf has gotten himself into. To me, it’s just a no-brainer.

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