Not only is he mean, but he is cocky as all get out. Of all the average height non-spindly leg and non felt faux Santa suit replica wearers, I’m sure that Wonder Woman will choose him above everyone else. GB and Nicky are uber embarrassed.
Damn, the audacity. That’s the Raiders Jersey, the Bucs’ rival team. My son and husband have season tickets. The funny thing is that my son thinks I am clueless about football. Wait, I’m clueless about football. But, a sister does know how to Google shit. Griswold is asking for a beating.
Sometimes I wonder if GB has a mind of his own at all. So, I actually do start making an Elf list in January each year, to help myself out when the time comes so I can scan my list to choose a scene and save myself a butt load of time. But, sometimes the scenes that sprout up organically end up being my favorites. Like the one below. My husband took my girls to a Katy Perry concert. I don’t really have any cherry chap stick or weird vinyl ice cream outfits or blue wigs lying around, but I know they purchased some merch and aside from a snarky ass sign, that’s really all I need.
I noticed a couple days later that Griswold’s handwriting is becoming super fancy and neat for an illiterate, uneducated jackwad. It was gradual and the kids didn’t notice. Actually, looking for the elves this year was pretty secondary (first priority was hair gel and phone checking) so I think I’m clear on the handwriting fiasco. I am sad that the elf phase has come to a close. I put a lot of thought into crafting a sarcastic Christmas scene for my kiddos every year, and I’m not mad about not having to do it next year. Many people have told me: “Oh, even though your kids won’t believe anymore, I’m sure you will still continue with your elf shenanigans, because the kids will still enjoy it.” I say to those positive, helpful life gurus: “No, the hell I won’t. 6 years. 6 years I have been putting every bead of sweat and every brain cell into this elf thing. I absolutely loved it. It created a special, fun Christmas tradition for us that my kids will never forget. I cherish every second. I LOVED THE HELL OUT OF THIS 6 YEAR ELF STINT. NO LIE. However and henceforth – but, I will not fret a second of my decision to retire that red, flimsy felt *#@(&*hole. I received my elf degree, and it’s time to graduate with the rest of the weary, aching class.”
Look at that stupid ass cousin Eddie hat that I tried to craft out of Star Wars material. Merry Christmas to everyone, and cheers to me next year! CLINK! Here’s to me climbing in bed at 9:00 and NOT HAVING TO GET UP AGAIN AT MIDNIGHT. Woot.