Grammar Nazi

If there’s one true instance of a cringe worthy and glistening bunghole bludgeon, it is people who refuse to place importance on using CORRECT GRAMMAR!  

I do embrace the fact that I can be a little teeny bit semi-quasi snobbish about a couple things in my life. But, damn…as many universal let downs as my skiddish, awkward and anxious personality possesses, I am allowed to have a pet peeve. Or 12.

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I remember being in the second grade and participating in the school wide spelling bee. I was 7, and my word was “acquaintance.” I don’t know how many grade levels participated, but I won that shit! That was the first time I ever felt like my brain hadn’t gotten jostled and trampled on by a runaway tribe of hippo elephants. English/Language Arts, that was my jig! That was my thang!

In middle and high school I would get D’s and F’s in math and science, barely skating through by the skin of my nuts. Spelling and grammar was so easy, and I was so thankful to have those things to balance out always feeling like a piece of dingus. My brain worked at something!

And, reading, to me, is something vital. When someone says to me: “Oh, I don’t have time to read,” I call BS, quickly label you an incompetent grammar hater, and then think to myself: “But you carve out plenty of daily time for yourself to be an asshole.” But, that’s soooo mean and I do not want to think these thoughts about you!

 

 

So here’s what we are going to do. We can work together! Grammar offenders and Nazis unite! Unlike math, I truly believe that Grammar is something, where if it’s not your calling, you can still kinda sorta “fake” your way through. If you give it the old college try. For example, there really is no excuse these days to not do a few seconds of research before sending a document, an e-mail, a Facebook update, or even a text.  If I ever see something like this: “Your welcome,” or “I’d rather be fishing THEN be at work” then I will start on my Grammar Nazi rampage, and neither of us needs that nonsense in our lives. I can’t handle the lunacy.

I will spare you the entire speech about how spending just a couple short seconds perfecting your sentence structure and deciphering the correct version of a word choice, word placement and SPELLING can take you from a first grade drop out, to an Ivy League scholar. But it really is that simple!

Look, I’m no better than anyone who decides to say: “Their is love in the air!” But, chances are, if it doesn’t come naturally to you, then you’re probably really blessed in the math and science topics…you know, that whole left/right brain thing…and just like you can work on “faking” your way through the grammar thing, you can bet your ball sac that I’ll never be able to fake my way through math. Ever.

 

I seriously can’t stop with the memes. I’ve posted so many of these on my own personal Facebook page, some several times. I guess, the hope is that certain habitual FREAKING grammar offenders will say: “Oh, day-um! I’ve been doing ALL those things wrong and I’m going to make a solemn vow right here and now to learn the difference between all of these second grade words and phrases!”

So, let’s take a test:  Does this look okay to you? “I going to in store before cat vomit two after they’re gone tammarrow.” Oh, hell no!  Don’t let it happen, people! I’m pleading, PLEADING!

 

This is one of my all time favorite grammar memes. I’m sure all of my Grammar Nazi alumni have enjoyed this one before.

The point of all of this is that you should really consider yourself lucky! You no longer have to be a purgatory, evil destroyer who bastardazies the English language! Fake your way through this shit, enjoy your math/science gift, and have the masses thinking you’re a genius at both! Believe me when I say that nobody is mistaking me for one of those.

And finally, let me have my thing. I’m dangling off the high horse that I am climbing up to scream out to the people: “I’m actually good at something!”

So, if you decide to not heed my advice, and scramble on with your incompetent and ignorant word wizardry, then you can’t be pissed off. You were warned, and you have to just take it.

So, please just let a dumb bitch have her moment.

 

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