Soooo…I’m thankful for crap just like the next Yahoo, yadda yadda. Other than my 3 angelic freak show nuggets, I also have things that I must confess to being thankful for.
So, in light of all of the thankfulness that I’ve been witnessing on Facebook, I hereby bequeath to list off all of my stupidity. It’s a given that once again, the hour of reckoning will be here too soon. I told people 3:00? At 2:59, I still won’t have taken a shower, prepped any food, finished cleaning the rooms in my house and fed my kids breakfast. Early birds are my nightmare! So, in light of those shortcomings, I still felt the need to make a list. Listen close, it’s a doozy.
1. I am thankful for the foresight to be able to bite my tongue. SO HARD that it’s almost had to be sewn back together a PLETHORA of times. Especially when I run into any number of tweaked out skanks. “Hi! How are you?” I’m thankful for being able to muster that shit up from really deep down instead of the real ripe stuff that’s usually sitting inside my torturously rabid throat.
2. I am thankful for big screen TV’s. Thank goodness I am able to watch things like Hell’s Kitchen, Big Brother, and Project Runway in HDTV while lounging on my comfy ass cushion drinking a glass of vino. And I’m extremely thankful that I have a decent editing eye and I corrected the “HGTV” typo instead of the intended one above. Not the same thing. Although, I do love those fixer upper shows. Also thankful.
3. I am so thankful for vino.
4. I am thankful for sarcasm. I don’t know what I would do, or what kind of eternal hell I would find myself in if I was unable to come up with a witty retort. Likewise, I appreciate a comedic SOB, therefore I am just thankful for the funny.
5. I am thankful for the crazy work peeps, the inappropriate things we may or may not do behind the scenes, their humor, their funny dancing, and the fact that they are friends with a straight up idiot. They certainly make up for the rude jerkoffs and skags that I already have to deal with on a daily basis, the unfortunate ones who I am not not so much thankful for.
6. For the easy access at-your-fingertips wealth of knowledge that the World Wide Web offers. What are the plastic things called that are located on the end of your shoelaces? Google everything. And the fact that the term “blog” exists. I’m uber thankful for that.
7. I’m so thankful for my stupid, thankless, ungrateful, cocky, snarky, selfish, relentless cat. I love her so much and she effing hates me and my shadow. Neither one of us will ever be good enough for her. And that’s okay.
8. I’m hella thankful for my iPhone. I am a loyal fan and consumer from day one, and I have never waivered. NEVER WAIVERED! On that note, I am thankful for all electronics, with a huge shot out to laptops! I can’t imagine being stuck at my desktop at 12:45 a.m., as is the current time, and being pigeonholed to one spot in the house. I’m feeling entitled to own this laptop. I’m not thankful for my ego.
9. I am thankful for aglets. I can’t imagine going through my pitiful day, maybe trekking through the mud, or a theme park, or Woodstock or somewhere without them. Life would be unimaginable, and probably not even worth living. Here’s to you, aglet creator.
10. I am thankful for online calendars. I appreciate them for trying to help a numnutz like myself. These calendars do help – HELP (not perform mental resuscitation on) people like me. People who struggle to keep their affairs in order, who double book themselves, who miss appointments and meetings, and turn in late the field trip forms, and always have a spastic breakdown when waiting at the one light that separates them from traffic diarrhea and work. It’s a fine line. Either you’re in the line of funk, and you’re waiting at the light with no glimmer of hopes or dreams, or you’re safely on the other side of the shit pit. Either way, getting up earlier and becoming more organized would altogether ward off the situation entirely, but let’s be honest. That’s NEVER going to happen. Like ever.
Lastly, I am passionately thankful for the stupid ignoramuses. Appreciating them probably makes me one of them. But, I am thankful for ignorant jagoffs, because they make me feel smart, and wonderfully normal, and raise my self-esteem higher than 101 red balloons with their ignorant comments and ignorant clothes, and their stupid shoes.
On that note, I’m out. Happy Thanksgiving, skeezers.