Ode to Disney World, St. John style

Yeah, so we are Disney pass holders. We are there a lot, spend a bunch of time spending excess money, sweating, waiting, and rushing. And for some reason, we keep returning. To make the most of our visits, we have perfected the technique, have turned it an art form.  So, Ima let you know all of my favorite spots show you how we do it (another list!!!!?) to make this establishment more of a thrill, and less of a mouse trap.

First off, you jackturds already know how much I love Christmas. Christmas sprinkled in with a little Disney tickles my inner coccyx cavity.

Hollywood Studios:

disney hsThe fact that we were there just days before this magnificent event vanished for good is going to be tattooed in my memory bank. For like ever. It really was my favorite Disney thing to do during the holidays. Was.

disney hs lightsLook at how callous those reindeer are running. From something scary, like my blog. I mean, I remember countless times just standing in the midst of this electric monstrosity so many times, staring aimless, snapping random blurry pics, watching for minutes on end the display as it danced to the music, probably slobbering or falling over, but having a fantastic time, nonetheless.

disney writerNow that we are getting down to the nitty gritty. I, unlike ordinary drone souls, sure do love me some writing. Henceforth, I get insanely giddy and ridiculously geek-cited (I will copyright that funny shit) whenever I happen across the “Writer’s Stop” at Hollywood Studios. I don’t know if it’s more because of the title itself, or the fact that it contains all of my favorite things inside. Most of them. Books and coffee are a strong start.  I like my coffee the same way I like my books: scalding hot and tasty like frothy, pralines and hazelnuts.

My other favoritestest things to do at Hollywood Studios is the Toy Story Mania carnival ride, (I’m going to be honest. I’ll always win.) and Star Tours. I love how Disney didn’t wait a minute after the new Star Wars movie hit, and the Star Tours ride is already updated. BAM.

Although most of my favorite Disney things are Christmas related, here’s the situation, the sitch: Before disembarking, (“por favor, mantengase alejado de las puertas!”) we sign up for online fast passes, choose our return times, and there is a strategy for each step that we take. We are on a mission, and that mission is to leave that park (whichever of the 4 we have chosen) feeling like Fat Amy. “Crushed it!”   So, after having visited each of the Disney parks SEVERAL, hundreds of SEV-E-RAL times each, of course I’m going to have my favorites spots to visit at each one.

Animal Kingdom:

Reluctantly moving on to another park – My three favorite rides that me and the fam all share at Animal Kingdom are: the Kilimanjaro Safaris (It makes all the difference in the world if you are fortunate enough to land a sarcastic ‘tour guide.’) and the Dinosaur ride. Oh, did I say 3? Some of my more tart and saucy and semi-dishonest friends are chronically attempting to get me to ride Expedition Everest. Now, I’m no idiot. I see how that thing squirts out of the mountain like a paranoid dingleberry. So, you can’t really convince me that it’s a Dumbo-style baby ride. I’m not buying what you’re selling, jerky ass frenemies! But, nonetheless, my 9 year old twins enjoy it. I’m a baby.

Magic Kingdom:

Anyhoo – Whenever we frequent Magic Kingdom – my grossly immature nostalgia sets in for a minute. There’s nothing like being right in the middle of it at the oldest park (which may or may not have been built the year I was born). It’s classic, it’s retro, it’s prehistorically frontierlike, yet futuristic. There are so many more choices at this mammoth park, and whenever we do go there, we are on a serious quest for a time challenged fun haven.  Me and my kids love all the normal rides: Splash Mountain, Space Mountain, Thunder Mountain, etc.  But, this wouldn’t be a ridiculous blog if I wasn’t also filling your head with a delusional breakdown of what my personal favorite things are as well:  The Seven Dwarfs Mine Train – I do not know why, but I hella love this ride.  Probably because I’m part chicken shit, and it’s about the speed in which my aging adrenaline will still pump before altogether experiencing a panic infested gag munch. Of course, my other favorites at MK include the Main Street Electrical Parade (Of course, holiday related), and some illegally tantalizing pineapple flavored Dole Whip fantasmic magic at Aloha Isle.  Oh my…

me mickeyEPCOT:

 Oh, my. Not only is the Food and Wine Fest at EPCOT the shiz, my geekometer explodes into the red whenever we travel through the different countries. The boat ride in Mexico? Stop! It’s slow, it’s easy, it’s THE BOMB!  Strolling through Francais? I can’t! It’s too exciting to even fathom. Soarin’ – at EPCOT. Oh yeah! Even though it’s down for renovations, bring on the relaxin.’ Oh! and Spaceship Earth.  Goodness. I love to get the nerdy play by play of how paper was made, how books were printed, and the overall progress through time. It’s also a favorite of mine and my kids to design our lives on the computer and to see what stupid picture was taken of us in the beginning of the ride. My face usually sports one or two gaping black holes, and sometimes a chunk of my skull is missing. It doesn’t make much sense, but it sure does make us laugh.

disneySo, in a nutcracker – Disney is pretty cool. I mean, SQUEE!!!!!!  When I think of Christmas, this is the crap that pops into my brain nugget! I love how one day you can go visit one of the parks, and it’s Halloween decor. The next day you may return, and Christmas has sprung! That magic blows my feeble mind every time.

I love Walt, his imagining, and the thrills, and the magnitude. I love how Disney says “F every other spot,” Because they own Orlando, as well as Florida, and pretty much the entire Eastern Hemisphere. Monopoly. I love that shit.

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