Oh my freaking crapfest of BS nonsensical offended universe. I can’t even. It’s a CUP. From a coffee corporation. It’s THAT SIMPLE. So, in light of all of the scampering, offended moronic halfwits, I would like to offer my ideas for the Starbucks cup. Because, I do SOOOOO intently disagree with all of the negative hype this cup has been receiving, I also think that it is pretty plain, and could use some more doodling. So, this one is for you Christine. Thanks for the inspiration 🙂
Because I am a linear person, and am an addictive list maker, here are the pictures that I would like to see featured on the cups:
1. A big turd. This is not a sac-religious statement at all. I am a big fan of God, am a good person, (aside from my occasional potty mouth) and even have a Church that I do need to go to more often. I just think featuring a turd on the cup will cut to the chase as to what’s really going to happen after you ingest a super, muy gigante, mega, planetary grande coffee. Come to think of if, a picture of a urinal wouldn’t be a bad idea. Coffee makes me pee. Bad.
2. Some people need to be hit over the head with a huge dose of reality. Like with a sledgehammer. But, I’m here to help with that! I cannot tell you how many people this wlll get back on the right track to improving their sub par time management skills. A mere picture of the clock. Like it was saying: “Do you REALLY Have time to stop here for this java?” You were supposed to pick up your kids from pre-school 10 minutes ago, but here is your slack ass in the Starbucks line again, trying to win parent of the year for the 4th year running. I can’t’ tell you how many people I see either coming in to work late, late to pick up their kids from an activity that maybe my kid might be in with yours, or coming into late to the doctor’s appointment that I’ve already been sitting in the waiting room 20 minutes for. With their Starbucks cup in tow. Now, do you fancy this roomful of people a bunch of bungwads? You don’t think we are wondering why the F you thought you had time in your delusional schedule to stop and purchase an unnecessary caffeinated libation? Of course, as my luck always plays out, that ass hat will inevitably get called to her appointment much quicker than me mine. Gah.
3. A diagram of your yearly income, and if you really need to be standing in that Starbucks line paying $6 for a cup of coffee. Something sort of like this: “STEP AWAY FROM THE CUP, MIDDLE AGED COLLEGE STUDENT WHO ALREADY HAS $15,000 IN GOVERNMENT LOANS, AND ANOTHER 5K IN APPLIANCES FROM YOUR PARENTS THAT YOU HOCKED. YOU’LL NEVER GET OUT OF YOUR PARENT’S BASEMENT IF YOU KEEP MAKING THESE STUPID ASS CHOICES!” I know, I can’t believe the curse word either.
4. An inspirational picture of what you might aspire to be or make of yourself in your life. Are you a 32 year old degree yielding stoner in a dead end job at your local drug store? Then, Starbucks is going to have a quandry. Do they give you the cup that asks if you can afford this luxurious joe, or do they simply hand you a cup with a picture of a Colorado map on it? There are so many options.
5. A picture of a breath mint. Let’s be honest. Everyone on the other end of your shit stick breath conversation will appreciate the reminder.
6. A photo of you sleeping at your desk later after your massive caffeine crash. Perhaps they should have seen the footage of you break dancing and showing off to all of the ‘cool’ 20 year olds that you work with whilst thinking that you could still perform the centipede and that thing where you kick yourself straight upright from a downward dog laying position. The 20 somethings were not impressed.
7. A picture of a flatline. Relax! It’s just a reminder that not everybody can ingest 60 milligrams of java in one sitting. It’s bad for your heart, bowels, spleen, and probably sphincter.
8. A simple reminder like: “When’s the last time you visited Aunt Frieda?” Which would be simply used as a helpful gesture, but let’s be honest. There are things about Aunt Frieda that even a Starbucks can’t help you forget. #catboxhoarder.
9. NO DECAF! Decaf = circle with a slash graphic! It’s like drinking an O’Doul’s. Pointless and pathetic.
10. A picture of a regular snowflake instead of a religious snowflake. Duh. It’s so simple. The difference is so minuscule.