So, I love a great one-liner, a fun knee slapper, a great joke. I appreciate this shit. A lot.
Buuuuuut – I do unwillingly and begrudgingly admit, though, as much as I am a self-proclaimed and public proclaimed grammar Nazi, I am also sort of a shameful closet comedy Nazi.
There are so many things that I find funny, aside from my stupid ass self. Sarcasm, practical jokes, self-deprecation, situational, and people who trip on their cats. There are also many things that I am humanly unable to tolerate.
For example: Loud laughers. I can’t tolerate them. Close hovering loud laughers are not my favorite. Please add an obnoxious bark honking, coupled with a hand clap sprinkled on top of said loud laugh. I’ll take two! Oh, and when people laugh at absolutely every, EVERY thang, even when they’re just making a mere factual observation. “It’s sunny today! Hahohahahohahuhe!!!” Those people are SOOOO tubular.
Sometimes we need to bury statements or comments in an attempt to preserve my uber snobby gloidus. In a very narcissistic kind of way. And, sometimes I feel the need to crawl high on top of my breadbox and tell the world that certain phrases are DONE. They are finite. I would volunteer to be the breaking news center for outdated phrases. And don’t think that I don’t realize that sometimes I still do have to remind myself that I am no longer a spring chicken, and the term: “ridonkulous” needs to be buried and sent straight up to word heaven. But, luckily I have already forgiven myself.
With that being said, please, PLEASE don’t ever, do not come at me saying “Been there, done that.” My innard vowel gizzards will compress and suck in so tightly, that I might possibly ignite a bag of doggie doo. On your pillow.
I do not know how I became this way. I am very humble. I am pretty simple as well. I am not vain, and I am not a know it all. I am polite, I let other people speak, and I will always give you the best wine glass if you happen to ever come over to my house where I possibly, in some unrealistic fantasy world, had extra wine. I would damn sure give you the nicest glass. The kind that looks nice empty.
I hate this about myself. I wish that I did not flatline upon speaking to a newly, non-sarcastic or non-comedic acquaintance. I am not talking about the wonderful people that I meet in passing, I am not referring to the beautiful, generous, kindred souls that I surround myself with and am inspired by. There’s not a comedic pre-requisite to gain my friendship. I’m just saying that when there’s already the groundwork with an annoying disposition, sprinkle in a loud laugh, and then come at me with your outdated, close talking phrases, I am probably not going to stand there. For long. Well, I am not rude, so I will stand there, but damn! Random thought: Why am I such an ass that has to be entertained??
I think it’s as simple as this: I appreciate a sarcastic son of a bitch, I need them from the deep sphincter clavicle muscles in my soul. I think I just have a high regard for funny. I value it, I crave it, and quite frankly, I need it and I deserve my fancy to be tickled. Kathy Griffin, Ellen, Dane Cook, Amy Schumer, Melissa McCarthy, Jimmy Fallon, Conan O’Brien, Chelsea Handler, Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, and sooo many Saturday night live people that I am too lazy to individually name, my husband, my dad, and my mom. Oh. My kids are hella funny. The other day my 9 year old daughter actually asked me if I’ve ever seen “Daddy’s ‘Ding Ding.'” Not a joke.
Comedy is very important to me. Laughter is the remedy for so many of life’s curve balls, and is critical for me to function. I love comedy tv, radio, live stand up, and would rather go to a comedy show than to Paris. Although, a comedian in Paris would be fantastic, but are they sarcastic? I also bust rhymes. That phrase is very current.
Right this moment as we speak, I’m watching “Last Comic Standing,” where I am the sole couch judge who knows within 2 seconds whether they are worthy for return. “I can crown that comedian in only 1 joke!” Bam.
I guess where I am going with this is that the other day I walked inside my closest neighborhood convenience store. Now, this is not the first time or second, third, or fourth time that I have noticed this situation. However, it rubs me backwards and behind every single time. I walk up to the counter and I say to the dude: “Hi, there!” because I am a friendly jagass. Here is what the dude responds with: “I wish I was!”
Now, look. I am not mad at “That’s what she said” type of responses if it’s appropriately humorous and done in a unique, and unexpected manner. But, I can not handle this underachieving mind frame at all. How can people settle? How can people be satisfied, self-respected and proud if this is their best shot? SO under the bar!
For your enjoyment, or revulsion, I have compiled a list of my very most cringe-worthy vintage phrases.
1. LITERALLY. I know people who LITERALLY use the word LITERALLY in place of every preposition in their sentence. Can you literally STOP?
2. I just saw your mom. NOT! (insert loud, obnoxious unbeknownst to the originator asinine laughter) Can you please not make an ass of yourself? Probably NOT. Oh, and if your laugh sucks, how do you not know? This is my quest in life to find the answer to this urgent life question.
3. RATCHET. I was over this word the second I heard it. Which, was probably 2 years behind the 8 ball, but still. It’s just stupid.
4. TAG, YOU’RE IT! If you’re ever playing “phone tag,” with me, which I’m sure I won’t even realize we are playing, don’t ever leave me that message, then hyena laugh afterwards, or I will barf.
5. TALK TO THE HAND. Because when I hear that phrase, I want to talk to something with my fist. And I’m not even a violent cat.
So, listen. If I have to tell people that these words/phrases are out, then that’s hella pathetic. And, you seriously need to get a real life.