Say goodbye to “planking,” I’ve got the new craze right here

Say goodbye to “planking,” I’ve got the new craze right here

Ahoy!

Are you physically cut and lean?

Do you live for the element of surprise?

Do you seek a fast-paced lifestyle?

Do you have commitment, charisma and cunning tendencies?

Is your stamina at the mediocre mark?

Are you easily nauseated?

Do you have the coordination and the where-with-all to maintain the stance?

If you’ve answered yes to any of these questions, there’s just one more…

Can you handle the STANK?

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I’ve challenged myself to invent a new movement. I said “Self, can you just try to act stupider?” As it turns out, yes. Yes, I can.

You see, this movement is more of an anti-movement.  No anti-perspirant needed. And it’s very anti-climactic. You see, I always got a little chuckle out of “planking,” where random people would lie down like a petrified plank of dog turd on whatever crazy backdrop or prop tickled their fancy.  I wanted to create a “thing,” I was jonesing for a “thing!”

I would like to introduce the STANK.

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Do you need community service hours? Or to impress a new neighbor? Listen. This situation is not for the faint hearted.

Do you sleep like a sloth and barely possess a pulse?

To achieve this extremely sought after internet phenomenon, one must be: Poised, dedicated, skeptical and close to giving up on life’s dreams. You may or may not be a loose cannon, and you definitely don’t need to know how to cook or clothe yourself properly.

Do you crave mediocrity and have feeble minded fears?

Do you require constant defibrillators to ascertain that you haven’t flatlined?

Do you have zero pride that still continues to plummet?

Then you might want to consider…

THE STANK. 

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I I hate to vacuum. But I love stupid socks.

Obviously, the STANK can be done in either direction. It also has no rules. You can point your bootyass at whatever object offends. Or, if you so choose, you can do the STANK  at a “Welcome to Yeehaw Junction” sign, or at a secret spot enjoying your second cousin’s baby mama’s first or second communion, things that make you happy, or feel blasé. No boundaries. You can do the STANK at a lovely homeowner’s meeting, or at the Liberty Bell. Boundaries = none. It’s really an absolute happy occasion stance, or an “I’m really annoyed at this ugly statue of a cigar smoking catfish statue” type of situation. It is imperative that it either covers one complete emotion or the synonymous other. And then to cover a few more in between. It’s an absolute off the charts very happy, or very annoyed salutory stance. Or it can be ambivalent, humorous, to just feel the random need to STANK, or that you’re completely bored out of your gourd.

Just give everything the STANK!

Having a blank, lifeless stare always enhances the STANK.

I’ll be honest. I never learned or tried to twerk. I know I can’t dance, sing, or perform any time management task. So, people like me do not need to beg the question: “How low can you go?”   But, if I could get down low, so low to the flow (floor if you’re not down) then I would name that movement the Twank.  A cross between a twerk and the stank, if you will.  On an unrelated note, I say “Boo-ya to washing dishes!

I say “STANK to you, stupid ADD!”

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I say “STANK” to you, unorganized, 52 channels in my head!

STANK to you, old body, jacked up metabolism and crap brain!

Can someone help a confused bitch out?
Can someone help a confused bitch out?

See, the STANK really runs the gamut.  I just felt like putting a stupid ass bag on my head, and now it’s a THING.  Not like the Twank, which I just don’t quite feel is going to catch….

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