Congratulations! To me. I am ecstatic, floored, thrilled and just a tiny bit sad. You see, I got a new car! It was about damn time. We are very rough on vehicles. We pulled it up into the parking lot on a gurney …. Sucked every last bit of life out of it. I performed a “surface” vacuum, where if you looked closer, you would notice the chicken nuggets, tubes of lipstick, and thousands of French fries wedged under the metal bindings of the seats.
I am a messy, unorganized, anxious and nervous cat. I try so hard. I try to keep stuff clean, especially when they’re brand new. But, it’s tough. It’s inevitable. A few months into it, a time will come when I have had a day. A day that makes me say: “Let’s get the McDonald’s and let’s eat it all up right here in my new car.” A day that makes me throw all of my hopes and dreams out of my new vehicle’s window, and then sliding and oozing down that same window, since I am clumsy and my aim sucks.
In the backseat of the new car going to school the next morning, my daughter perks up and asks: “Mommy, what about the cat?”
So, there’s a very odd back story to this situation. One evening, months ago, after having gone out with some friends (shout out to mysistas!) driving home in my old minivan from very fa-fa-awayville, and on a very dark and desolate stretch of road, I hear a sound. A sound that you definitely do NOT want to hear if you are in your car BY YOURSELF.
WTF! WTH! SMH and dry heaving all at the same time. Such a weirdly, unexpected thing to be hearing right here in this very moment. My stomach dropped, my anal cavity puckered and shifted, my breathing escalated, and for a split second, amidst all of this terror I was feeling, I experienced a little disappointment because I was STAR-VING and now Felix the meowing who-the-bloody-eff-knows-what is prohibiting me from patronizing my favorite drive through establishment on my ride home now.
I shook my head, and from the bottom of my sphincter, tried to listen for that shit again, as I raced and zagged home. I was coming up with all KINDS of explanations: My kids’ toy, my dogs’ toy, my husband’s toy? Maybe it was the radio! Yes, that HAD to be it. I’m pretty sure it was turned down low – how low? So low. But, that had to be it.
Then, as soon as I started to feel better, it happens. Again.
Holy shit turds. Now, I am frantically freaking the hell out. FREAKING! I call my husband, which, for some odd reason, I felt like my voice was on display, like this cryptic cat creature was wired and was tapping into my phone calls and social media outlets. “Meet me out front when I get home! You hear me? Meet me out front in two minutes!”
I arrive home a couple minutes later, and I’m not even joking. I jumped the HELL out of my car, rolled out like I was on fire, and buckled down into the grass, using my purse shield to repel the unknown from within my vehicle.
My husband (with kids in tow. WHY? There’s a crazed feline lunatic right there inside the automobile!) checks out the entire contents of my car, under the hood, seats, back and trunk. Nothing. I was wrong. Dead wrong.
How could I be so wrong about something? There was not a toy, an iPad, nothing of the cat persuasion in my car. I had made a mistake. How do you recover from that? Nervous giggle. “Wow, we could sure use some fertilizing!”
Months later I am driving said vehicle with two of my kids in the back. My oldest was in the front.
My nugget in the front retracted her knee caps back into her body so fast and screamed very, very loud. The twins in the back heard the same thing. Validation?!? We got home that night and checked the car again. Nothing. How could 4 people also be so wrong?
Now, as I sit here and type this, I wonder when Felix willl appear again. Will it be when the new used minivan owners are driving to Church, and the children hear words from their parents that they will, indeed, need to say a few Hail Mary’s for? Or will it be one night when they’re going to visit a haunted house in the fall in the cold, dark, October rain…
…Or, will he/she resurface one unassuming and very dreadful evening in my new car???
Or could all of us just be wrong?