The dog and cat days of summer

The dog and cat days of summer

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again.  Bleh, Florida heat! Crappystankassdingus heat.  It’s not for me.  It might be for people who are from another non-toxic, non-acidic state who have visions of relocating because they daydream about the unfounded, unsubstantiated notion where they romanticize, and fantasize and those bulbous douches can tolerate scalding sunburnt day trips to the mailbox. And then all over again the next day.  But, it’s my home and I love most things about it.  The heat is kind of a downer, though.

image                              So here’s why I’m superstoked about summer:

Going to the beach and pools (other people’s).  Listen, it is great to have water. It’s a cool thing. Water is genius. The way that it refreshes and soothes, and goes from a solid to liquid to gas in half a hot second, makes summer time bearable and enjoyable and thirst quenching and it is nothing short of a miracle!  Can I get a standing ovation for H2O?  We need a damn pool.

Kids are not in school – Because kids are so cute, unannoying and always entertained, therefore I rejoice the very second that the kids bust out of their classrooms, shove other kids and teachers out of their way, wait impatiently in car line, only to be bursting at the seams so they can very shittastically declare to their parents: “I’m soooo bored!”

Big Brother! June 24th. This will be designated the first “official” day of summer in the St. John house, where our minds are under stimulated for 3 hours a week, where we will judge, and laugh, and mock and feel good about our sloth like selves. We will lounge, and eat unhealthy snacks, and slobber and veg. This is not the mind Olympics.

More time with my pup and my bitch cat – My dog just loves the shit out of me. I am his perfect soul mate with long, golden locks and voluptuous volcanic ass. And I have treats. He’s easy. But my cat on the other hand lives in a land where my confidence is depleted and I am a cat waiter and definitely not a cat conniseur because my cat will suck out your brain cells and make you perform mouse on a string cat tricks. She will now expect like clockwork me to turn on the water faucets for her, where she damn well knows I’m going to have to stand there with her the whole time she’s drinking from the faucet because I know if my ADD ass walks downstairs, it’s over. The upstairs will be a floodin,’ because I’ve moved on, and that action was so 5 seconds ago. Bitch. (Purr/slap) Bipolar combo move.

Collecting a fall/back-to-school wardrobe.  I think I’ve touched on this topic before. I collect clothes from about March through August, and I hoard and I stink eye people, and I do not allow anyone to touch these items because we all need to bust out our new wardrobes in the fall.  Because that is what dreams are made of.

Lots of time to daydream about the holidays, which means MUCH more time for Christmas crafts – It is NO secret that a certain someone loves the holidays.  But, look.  The holiday season comes around SO fast, that can you really, honestly enjoy it, and do everything on your hit list, and re-create every Pinterest item that you SWEAR that you will make this season?  Well, girl, you do not have to!  It’s summer!  Get a jump start on those stained glass Grinch faces and the canvas mod podged Silent Night song lyrics!  You gotta get to working on this shit early, girl!  Oh, and Elf on the Shelf haters who “Oh.My.God, I’m WAY too busy to get off my ass from watching Game of Walking Dead Thrones of Myrtle Manor to try and get creative for a hot minute so I can make my kid smile for a couple weeks because I don’t get that my kid will be grown like tomorrow and they will ALWAYS remember how I didn’t go that extra mile to make their holiday spastastic because I’ll just use the ‘I’m too busy’ or ‘I’m just not creative excuse. every.year.”   Oh my. That horse was high….So.Sorry.

More time to procrastinate –  I will knit more scarves and paint things for my new office, and I will scrapbook my albums that I am 6 years behind on, and I will write my book and read so many novels….wtf dude.  I need a cocktail.


Daydreaming about attending college again in the fallI mean it happens every summer. I go into the heated heinous hell that is summer and I gaze lovingly into the future’s eyes, and I promise it that I will come up with 3 million dollars per credit hour, and I register for classes, and I ignorantly live in the moment with my ill-intended visions of scholarly desires. I just want my damn Language Arts/Psychology/Digital Media degree!

Have more to accrue library fines, then maybe be able to pay them back off before fall starts…but probably not. It’s hard to explain, but part of my special neurological setback is a huge tendency towards impulsivity.  I try so hard!  My intentions are on point. But, one thing I can guarantee is that I will eff up the crap out of something, and I will do it good.  Whether it’s trying to stay on budget, or trying to stay focused on a task, or, here’s a crazy example: Trying to maintain good status at the local library branch by turning in our damn books on time and avoiding the freaking late fees just once! The struggle is real.


Going to Target just cuz. Okay, I really do not need summer to arrive to partake in this fiesta. I have a sick, twisted compulsion.

Time to read a family book!  Yeah, I’m a jerk. Kids need to read. I love me some books!  I have every one of the NY Times bestseller list right up in my pad. But I’m still only on the 4th Harry Potter book, so back off. But, my ventures to Universal and Islands of Adventure are so much more meaningful now.  And my kids – they need to READ the book to translate the knowledge and grasp the intellectual details missing from the movies.  We all do. Am I right?

So I can say things like: “It’s hotter than an Arabian roofless whorehouse with melted butter sunscreen in the middle of a tanning bed desert sauna. At Disney.” 

So I can have more time to blog!  I don’t know if I can ever put into words how much I FREAKING LOVE TO BLOG!  I also feel like I need to explain my neuroticism crammed with extreme anxiety and odd yearning for perfection. I know, I know. I wear that on my body like a sandwich board, but sometimes I need to spell it out. Just in case. But, it will take me a neuro-nano century to build one blog posting, because, you know, this shit is meant to solve world problems. I do vow and will challenge myself to post far more over the summer because my laundry and dishes and children can just wait a damn minute!


Here’s why I am pissed off that it’s hot again:

I feel like these bulletpoints do not need explaining.

We do not have a damn pool.

imageThese jerkies even have a pool. And can I just add that if the ding dong on the left doesn’t start stepping up to the plate and keeps acting so somber and apathetic, then he’s totally going to miss girlfriend’s impending nip slip. And I am not going to feel bad for him at all.

Kids are not in school.

Hot effing sunrays blistering my gloidus Maximus.

My house will still be a shitmess even if I had more time. And let’s be honest. The more minutes in the day that my terrorist trio is home, the more ripped up and twisted bent that my house will become.  I finished all the laundry today!  Maybe tomorrow I’ll tackle a dust bunny. Hahahaha.

I do not collect a paycheck, therefore I constantly engage myself in every get rich quick hair brained scheme there is, thus sinking myself into more debt, plummeting ever so quickly into a frantic tailspin of desperation and a sincere need for a new Alex and Ani bracelet. 


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