Apparently The TSA Does Have A Sense Of Humor

Apparently The TSA Does Have A Sense Of Humor

TSA Header

I enjoy busting TSA’s chops; seriously, it takes very little thought to turn those three letters into something a bit more humorous than Transportation Security Administration.

For example:

  • TSA: Transportation Sounds Awful.
  • TSA: Truly Sick Authority.
  • TSA: Twisted Sex Acts.
  • TSA: Touching Sexual Areas.

In addition, possibly someone masquerading as me might be known for making comments such as; “Just last week these folks were asking, do you want fries with that?” or “This is where you end up when you can’t pass the police academy psych evaluation” while waiting in their security line. Even with TSA precheck, the agents still look at me then my license, then me, before they authoritatively put their initials and check marks all over my boarding pass.

One thing you don’t want to see on your boarding pass is, SSSS (Secondary Security Screening Selection), which is code for you’re about to get some extra attention (love). If you want to avoid the SSSS designation, then don’t do the following, purchase a one-way ticket, or pay cash for your tickets, so much for living off the grid.

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Yes, it happens to the best of us, the dreaded baggage screening. That’s my bag opened on the TSA inspection table in Nashville, TN. I knew I was going to be selected before my bag hit the X-ray belt, but more on that in a moment.

Inspecting my bag can be a major undertaking; it wouldn’t surprise me if TSA has an asterisk next to my name indicating this. At a minimum, there will be several zipper pouches housing collar stays, band-aids and cables just to start. If it’s been a long week mix in some sweaty workout gear, including shoes and a few odd shaped trophies that I’m bringing home.

The reason I knew of my impending selection is barely visible on the monitor on the left. If you squint, you might notice a large diagonal dark shadow. Now to a trained TSA agent that shadow could represent anything from a pipe bomb to a sex toy, thus requiring additional screening.

 

 

IMG_0218Here’s a tip if you’re ever selected for additional screening, keep your hands to yourself. As impulsive as it is to “help” the TSA agent by opening your luggage it will do little more than put him on the defense and a TSA agent on the defense translates to them wasting your time.

What caused all this attention was a frozen 18″ tube of Mississippi deer sausage, and while it’s not a favored tool of terrorists, I would’ve gone full “Spider Monkey” on them if they tried to confiscate it. After my sausage got a quick wipe down by TSA’s magic wand, now that’s a porn movie title, I was on my way. I laughed, the TSA agent laughed, it was awkward.

 

 

 

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZMn4gcyN_RA

Not sure what’s funnier the video or the folks that are trying to sneak stuff through. I’m guessing that most of those dullards are either first-time flyers or folks that fall for the pre-approved credit-card scams. Seriously, those scanners and detectors are good; I once spent an extra ten minutes at EWR getting my iPad swabbed, even with TSA Precheck.

TSAIf you’re a fan of Instagram, you can follow them @tsa, complete with pictures of items that dunderheads have tried to sneak on a plane.

ask tsa

There’s also a somewhat active twitter feed @AskTSA

Real ID

Probably their most useful portal is, Rumor Control.

When you’re heading to the airport, don’t go in blindly, if you have questions TSA offers some answers and remember to be nice.

JF

A side note, sometimes the TSA makes me laugh. My wife and I arrived back in town just in time for NYE, and due to our luggage contents, she (notice she) had to check her luggage. When she unpacked, she noticed a TSA inspection sticker in her bag, this immediately led to her proclaiming, “I’m the daughter of a pilot, how could this happen” to anyone within earshot. Thanks for keeping us safe TSA!

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