The empty seat, more prized than an extra package of Biscoff cookies, especially when that empty seat is next to you. The other day I was talking to my friend over at
went on to say that these tips work best if you’re looking to sit in a window or aisle seat leaving the middle seat empty.
Some of you might need to check your moral compass with the gate agent, for others it won’t be necessary, you decide.
Planes have a tendency to fill up from the front so your best bet is to head to the back and find a vacant row.
The Rogue Backpack – Once seated place your backpack in the middle seat, direct your attention to anything besides the people walking towards you and wait. Eventually, someone will stop and ask “Is anyone sitting there?” Now, remember that left your moral compass with the gate agent, so shrug your shoulders and motion towards one of the lavatories and go back to doing whatever it was that you were doing.
The Puffer Fish – When the puffer fish feels threatened it gulps water to puff itself up and appear bigger. Guess what your space is about to be threatened and you need to follow suit. Lower the armrest and get as close to it as you can. If you’re traveling with a jacket, sweater or one of those novelty umbrella hats, put them ALL on. If you’re a male time to manspread, if you’re a female time to be as big as you imagine yourself to be. The thought is to take up as much space as possible and make the middle seat unappealing as possible.
The Human Petri Dish – Grab your desired seat and immediately start rubbing your eyes, get them good and red, if you’re hungover you can skip this step. Next, rub a bunch of VapoRub rub under your nostrils, just glom it on there. Two things will soon happen, your nose becomes red giving the illusion that you’re on deaths doorstep and you will smell like my Grandmother’s house. While people are still boarding drop the seatback tray and place a few moist wadded up tissues and a bottle of NyQuil. For added effect set the barf bag on there as well. This tip requires a bunch of prep work, but it’s worth it because no one wants to sit next to someone that’s sick.
The That’s Not My Baby – This one might cause more grief than it’s worth, but give it a try. Survey the plane looking for a parent with as they say “an infant in arms’. Sit in that row leaving the middle seat open, I can almost guarantee that middle seat will be the last one that anyone sits in. It might turn out that child is the spawn of satan and screams from take-off to landing, so make sure to pack some noise canceling headphones.
If you’re too lazy to do any of the above just close your eyes and pretend to be asleep, people have a tendency to not disturb someone sleeping.
Most flights are full but if there’s an open seat and you apply any of these strategies you roughly have a 1 in 137 chance of having that empty seat next to you, good luck.