I’m not going to lie. When I first heard about the catastrophically hilarious phrase, “conscious uncoupling,” decided on by Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin, I shrieked with uncontrollable delight. This story was just beckoning to me to rip into and wreak havoc on all involved. Conscious uncoupling? What the….? Then, before I could stop myself, I committed the unfathomable by doing something that I’ve never done before: I did some research. (cringe) Curses! Why didn’t I just stay ignorant and uninformed? Now I have to add sources and web referrals and quote people and report things accurately! Which I do not usually do. I like to make fun, have creative freedom, act in a stupid and irresponsible manner, be wholeheartedly inappropriate, report the news inaccurately with a very skewed point of view, with high peaks of incompetency. But, this one was just too good. This one, I thought in my tiny little microscopic brain, was taunting me.
So, it’s almost vomit inducing for me to admit, but I do have to give it to Gwyneth and Chris. Props to them for handling their separation in an insanely mature, my-kids-are-the-most-important-thing-to-us kind of way. How many people do you know that have gotten divorced, and made it UG-LY for all involved, ESPECIALLY the kids? HOW MANY!! I don’t know. I do not know! Good for them for putting their children first and splitting amicably. They see it. They know how it’s done. At first, the term “Consciously Uncoupling” made me guffaw. Now, I get it. This thing is going to happen, and no one will be any worse for the wear in the end. Okay, let’s move on. “Serious” is not an emotion that I’m very good at.
On the other hand, I’ve always liked Gwyneth. Not in a super freak sort of way like I love ELLEN, (OMG, gasp) or Kathy Griffin or Chelsea. You know which Chelsea. But, I dig Gwyneth. I have always admired her coolness, her quest for keeping her relationship and her kids rather private, AND girlfriend had both of her kids right around the same time as me. It wasn’t planned that way. It just happened. But, now I have turmoil and I am experiencing confusion. Right now, I am thinking: If Gwyneth and Chris can’t sustain their lifelong promise to each other, how can I? HOW? Nothing in my life is now the same as it ever was, nothing!
Staying on par with the integrity of my blog, here are some things that I would like to consciously uncouple: My cat from spewing hair balls at 2:00 in the morning; Me having to get up and pee EVERY night at 2:00 in the morning; This extra baby weight that I just can’t seem to shake after 8 short years; People creeping up in my personal space; My insane non-rhythmic dancing skills; All of the extra channels in my head; Gnats; Rodents; People who can’t decipher “you’re from your, and those same people who can’t decipher “there, their and they’re;” Cottage cheese; (Ha ha, so funny – NOT the stuff on my thighs) Mean people, poverty and cancer.
And, I’m out. (Microphone dropped)