ConGRADulations, graduate (really! well, kind of)

ConGRADulations, graduate (really! well, kind of)

Oh, hey. (sad face)  “Tara, pray tell, might you be a little down?” you might be asking. You guys all speak so proper! Yeah, kind-a. It’s self-induced. It’s definitely self-induced. It’s not like I had a conscious awareness of it while it was happening. Things like these take years to go awry. But, it definitely spiraled out of control. It’s a sad, sad story.  Like to hear it?  Here it goes: (I seriously hope you appreciated and admired my In Living Color reference.)

In light of graduation season, I find myself in the theoretic fetal position. It saddens, yet disgusts me as I read headline after headline about impending graduations all over the country. Every other Facebook post, every person that I speak to, and all of the voices in my head are all graduating (or trying to). I can’t get away from it! It’s following me, and it’s all up in my personal space. Damn you, overzealous graduating freakshits!!!


I might be a teensy bit jealous. I also might be dying to go back to school. Here’s the whole story: I suppose my little romance with higher learning dates all the way back to my late teens.  It would never date back any earlier than that, because God forbid that my zest for knowledge got in the way of my severe preoccupation with dating, socializing, phone-gabbing, hair-teasing and downright immature-ing. I took all that shit to a whole new level. Anyhoo, once I graduated high school (and when I say that I barely graduated, there was definitely some begging involved, and there may or may not have been some graduation invitations made after the fact, because none of us knew exactly which way the wind was going to blow. Luckily, it blew in my favor) I thought I was on the track to Ivy Leagues. Because, you know how they like D students.

For some idiotic, profuse reason, I decided that I should attend a PRIVATE NON-CREDIT TRANSFERRING college. I had pell grants, federal loans, and an intensely skewed outlook on the universe. I loved my criminal justice classes, and I wanted to start off as a paralegal, and eventually attorney. My husband probably just tinkled himself while reading this. Anyhoo, I think back on those years only when I am in my darkest places. WTF was I thinking? I believe that the situation might possibly not have been as bad IF I HAD GRADUATED, or even come close. Nope, not for me. Completion and accomplishment – no thanks. I still owe a lot of money. That fact alone excites my husband endlessly. I quit after a year and a half, and I don’t even know if there was a really good reason.

I quickly registered at Valencia Community College.  I was even on the softball team! The path to success is just around the bend. When you have deep-seeded issues with saving money, coupled with a shuttering fear of deadlines and/or timelines, change your mind and your major every 4.5 seconds, it’s going to take a while. It’s just going to.  Looking back, I definitely acknowledge this as one of my huge life accomplishments. Sad, but not untrue. It’s not every day that I make a plan and stick to it. I was 31 when I graduated from VCC with my AA degree. Jealous?

So, FINALLY I registered at UCF.  I am going to finally be a graphic designer! Wait, an English major. No, I should major in criminal justice still. Hold up! Digital Media! I LOVED my first semester there. There really is nothing like sitting in a college classroom and watching art history slides…after slide…after slide. It was still cool! I would grab my latte before every class, wear my beatnik clothes (because I was a 33 year old hip youngster) and was ready to learn!

I don’t know what happened. Well, I did have a couple babies. Or 3. It became more tough to finish, and then it kind of trickled off. Preceding every semester, though, I would plop down and register for the 4 classes that I would NEVER BE ABLE TO TAKE, ARE YOU FREAKING NUTS? But, those classes just stopped happening. Time, money and work got in the way. It makes me very sad. There’s nothing more in my professional life that I want to do more. I love my job, but I have a huge yearning to complete what I started!

This is not a cap and gown. There will...(tear)...never

This is neither a cap nor a gown. There will…(tear)…never…agggh!  I can’t even say it!


In spite of all of my tribulations, here are a list of people who are actually more college crazed than myself.  I guess I am better off than some of them. Oof – that’s very sad.

1.  The NJ teenager who sued her parents for college tuition. This chick is crazy. I would give my left pithole to go college (again), and this narcissistic, self-righteous  prima donna has the audacity to sue her parents. In all fairness, times are very tough for this poor las, I mean Western New England University is not cheap.

2. So, you have to read this story. This 95-year old lady graduated from college. “Tara, surely you’re not psychotically demented to be jealous of a fragile great-grandmother graduating from college!” Um, okay…?  But, in my defense – at least she’s going to graduate in her life cycle!

3.  I found this article by mistake.  But, it’s thought provoking and funny.  It’s a short list of some really bizarre reasons why some people have gotten kicked out of college. One dude wrote an inappropriate essay on why his teacher was too attractive.

4. OMG! Here is an article on a mother and son who defied the odds and both graduated with PhDs. I just don’t even know what to say. Oh, yes I do. That will probably not happen with me and my kids. Me and my grandkids, maybe.

So, I probably won’t take my own advice, but you really should. I did find this article pretty spectacular. It’s all about making sure you ask yourself these 10 questions before you return back to school. There are some really good options. I didn’t see an option about jumping in a time capsule to erase the BIG, HUGE MISTAKE of going to a non-accredited school, but it’s still a good read.


So, you see – I’m surrounded by graduates.  Kindergarten, fifth grade, 8th grade, etc. My own children are quickly approaching middle school. I’m jealous of them all!

In a nutshell – This is truly the biggest lesson that I’ve learned in college so far: Impulsivity + immaturity = STILL PAYING YOUR STUPID BUNGASS COLLEGE LOAN WHEN YOU ARE 42.  It’s so super awesome to sit back and fondly “enjoy” the fruits of every one else’s (and I mean every one’s) college payoffs. Sad tears.



  1. Lady, I feel ya. I am literally 1 class from achieving an AA. That class: Biology. Why?: Because I took Human Species my freshman year in college and never went. I am paying for 2 student loans (one from 1998 because I forbore that sucker as long as I could) and 0 degrees.

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