I feel…pretty confident

I feel…pretty confident

Sup. Rarely do I ever feel an earth shattering, tremor induced, life-changing strobe light switch “Aha” moment when I watch a movie. But, GURL, lemme tell you…This movie was my rainbow farting, confetti vomiting unicorn. There was something about the cerebral switcharoo that occurred in the main character that cannon balled me unexpectedly into the realization: “Every little insecurity that we have is really all in our little pea brained heads.”  Which seems like common sense, but unfortunately that concept is a very well kept secret. Like from the devil, or Professor Umbridge. They just don’t want you to know about it. Or ever feel good about yourself. 

But isn’t this something that we’ve been dealing with our entire lives? Our parents tried to wield us out of the cannon ball of confidence by having us do things ourselves and telling us how perfect we are. By the time we are in middle school, and many times before that, the mean, crusty ass girls begin telling us all the things that are wrong with ourselves that we have already started to question. Thanks, Regina George, for confirming my cankle suspicions.

I knew what this movie was about. I love Amy Schumer, and was confident that it would be be hella wicked funny. But, I could never have prepared myself for how poignant and relevant this movie was for me in my life right now. It was so very necessary. This sister is not in her early twenties anymore. Or late thirties. But, getting past those petty details – no matter what your age is, there’s always something that you hate about yourself. Or, in my case, 37 things.

Anyhoo – it was a wake up call when I witnessed the transformation of Amy’s character going from what she deemed herself as a total loser to completely winning at whatever she sought in her life. I’m not interested in the superficial aspects like this character mostly was, although I saw a validity with that element in the movie, for sure. It’s unfortunate, but a powerful human need. My gaping hole mostly stems from the region that deals with always questioning my intelligence and confidence with my decisions. Oh, and my fun memory lapses. Ooh! And my neatness. And terrible navigation….you get my point.

I hate being insecure. You don’t “age out” of  lacking self-esteem. You don’t suddenly learn how to defend yourself or question authority overnight. It’s something that will take time. If you think you’re stupid and worthless, then everyone else will also. If you think you’re fat and unattractive, then Bingo!

But, watching this movie made me realize one huge element that I was overlooking before.  Like I said, for me,  I’ve always, my entire life questioned my intelligence. Having ADD makes a sister question things EVERY. DAY. But, because I was taking so seriously in my life, and I was so desperately trying to convince other people to like me, and always praying to just please let me feel normal for once – I missed the main puzzle piece: You decide how you’re treated. YOU do. Not jealous Janice 3 doors down, not Negative Nancy at the office. YOU had control over it the entire time!!!

Who gives a slippery shit what ANYONE thinks about you?

I honestly have been taking baby steps for a renewed outlook, as well as some small, important inner changes. Confidence. It’s about putting on your damn swim suit and rocking that cellulite ridden thigh (or two – whatevs) all the way to the pool bar. It’s about being 45 and dancing like there’s no tomorrow on a dance floor full of 20 year old mean beeyotches. And laughing your ass off the whole time. It’s about quitting the constant apologizing for making stupid mistakes and just owning them, finally. And lastly, it’s about knowing that you’re enough. Your house leaves a lot to be desired, your car is a bungpile of garbage wads, your laundry is in stacks, your brain can’t stay on task. But, this is about knowing that your fantastic qualities outshine the others, which, quite frankly, just makes you more boss, more unique, and just fun AF. Of course, doing the right thing always and making good choices are a given. But, outside of putting your best attempt forward, and having a kind and decent soul, if they still shit on your parade, that’s when you just have to say: “F every single one of them.”  Because I don’t have time for these stupid ass bung knuckles.

I’m still a huge work in progress, but I’ve begun. I found the ball and I rolled it slightly, and unevenly imperfect.  I’ve found myself changing the way I do things, not hiding behind my fear as often. It’ll take time, and I’m still trying to grow a bigger set, but, that’s just how my ball rolls.

“I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me. ”  – Stuart Smalley (SNL)

Wanna read more?

New Beginnings‎                                                                                             Judging All The Books