Product tester

Mkay, people of the planet – I am thinking of taking my blogging to another level. I have hopes and dreams, and plans for higher standards, and sometimes I even dream of catching some pixie dust here and there. #lie.

So, I have been wanting to be one of those product testing individuals. I think that’s the be all end all of blogging, and what my aspirations would aspire to. Ha. Aspiring aspirations. Actually, a book or movie reviewer would be my ultimate end of life, “OH HOT DAMN, I MADE IT” moment, but for now – I have some goals and wishes, and I need to light a fire under my big arse.

productThe first question that I have is: How the hell does one become a product tester? I want to run to my mailbox every day, grab a product that I think is svelte or achla, and I want to contemplate and judge, test and pontificate that nonsense, and feel all important about it. Important! I want my blog to take on a new independence, and furthermore, I would like to establish myself as a credible blogger, and take it to a level that even I can’t fathom. (that’s not much)

             Here are the types of things that I would love to review:

Boxed wine, bottled wine, red, white, pink, bubbly, port, and dessert wine. I can tell you if it’s good, tasty, on point, needs improvement, tastes like tar, but I’ll still drink the entire glass until I divulge that  Believe me, I got this. Just call me Lady Lakeridge, or Captain San Sebastian. Girl, I’m all over this. So, go ahead and hook me up. You’ve chosen the right person, and you will NOT regret it.

wineHealth foods – I KNOW! I know this doesn’t sound like me, but if we get this ball moving in a more positive direction, then we can take action, and we can help a sister vegetate and facilitate some leafy green, more positive food options. And while I’m on this topic, I would like to review health mechanisms. Like some kind of bar thing that I have to put on sneakers for and slide around on and lose like 40 pounds between noon and 2:00. I’m up for that shit. Not sure if your new vegetable paleo gluten free cracker paste is tasty? Go ahead and sign a sister up!

Dentists – Only because I can’t find one right now. That’s very selfish of me, but I have some tooth sensitivity happening that will make your bunghole muscle cringe, and that is something that I can’t handle for much longer. It hurts when it gets wet; it hurts when it gets cold; it hurts when I inhale too much air, and it hurts when I think about the dental procedure that will ensue. It hurts. So send me a cost effective dental friend, and let’s get the Novocaine started.

Arts and crafts – I can be like the Pinterest product tester guru extraordinaire if I really wanted to be. I can pin the hell out of things, and I can test them out and compare and contrast and holiday with sprinkles of tacky, lots of glue guns (because I love shit to stick) and there certainly will be leopard printed feathers and some teal pom poms splattered with red sequinned glitter glue.

pinterestPainting and wine place that rhymes with ‘Flimey Fench:’  This is something that I can’t stop grinning about. Not only do I want to venture out and pop in places premeditated or not, I want to go to uber cool places that someday I may want to have my ashes spread. Places where you go and paint an amazing picture, and they have….Wait, they have wine? I didn’t realize that! Well, okay – just one glass. I don’t want to be rude. How do I sign up for a gig like that? A gig where I am extremely excited about the content and I want to publish a nice write up about it afterwards. ‘Dear Mrs. Wench: I don’t have a ton of followers; I probably can’t get you more customers, but I love to paint and wine and write! I would do good by you, I promise! I’m SOOOO your girl!’

Harry Potter: I don’t know how I’m going to make this happen, but somehow if we all ban together and get JK to send us her newest, oldest, current and future Harry Potter products, I’ll ‘test’ them by jumping up and down every single time one ends up in my mailbox. I’m sure they’ll all be fantastic and heart palpitatingly breathtaking, but I would do my best to review each item without my blinders, pure unadulterated, unslanted, unbiased straight up reviews. Of how freaking awesome everything will be. 100% chronic reviews! UNBIASED! (Same applies to Wizard of Oz)

potterDisney: Is there such a thing as a theme park tester outer? If so, I’m not really into that aspect of it, but I love me some Disney tchotchkes! count me in. I dig going to the parks with my family, but dude – we live in Florida and ain’t nobody got patience for that sticky birdhole heat. So if you could please just send me a Mickey bag and a Beauty and the Beast tote, I’m screaming with excited passion. OMG did you know Hermione is playing the part of Beauty??!!!

Scrapbooking – Now, this is something that can benefit every party involved. I just happen to be WAY behind in my scrapbooking! I desperately need a reason to slap a few thousand pictures in a few dozen scrapbooks! Dude, the opportunities are ENDLESS. I could finish my scrapbooking in a hot minute, whereas otherwise my 10 and 12 year olds’ baby pictures would still be in their respective boxes begging for years for a sweet layout in a super festive baby album. Does anyone happen to have new adhesive products or cutting edge die cuts?  I’ll PM you my address. #slackerassslacker

Knitting/Jewelry making/font and letter paintings – So, this falls under the same category as the scrapbooking, and almost everything else on this list where the need to do it is super selfish. But, just as in every business venture, I’m looking to benefit you as well. Sure, I happen to need to learn more about knitting. I am super bad at reading patterns. Does someone out there make patterns and not know if they’re easy to read? HELLO! Send them my way. Also, everyone knows that I am halfway decent at making bracelets, necklaces, lanyards and earrings. I’ve always wanted to learn how to make rings and incorporate other materials into my venture. Coincidence? Could be, but still – send the shits my way and we are both happy as crap clams.

craftingChristmas – How can I review a whole holiday? Well, I will show you! Send me some Christmas shit, and I’ll tell you where to stick it. Or, send me several Elves on the Shelves (proper grammatical manner?) and I will determine which one is funnier, sits better, bends easier, looks the less creepy, and has the best dance moves. I can be the first to tell you which colors will be in this Christmas; which trees hold heavier bulbs, which decorations are more fleek, and which themed direction you should be decorating your house. What? NO! I would not have a pre-conceived favoritism towards gingerbread men and nutcrackers. I am open minded and liberated, and I will be patiently awaiting my first set of sparkly, bobble head holiday chipmunk nesting elves for review!

This is the only way that I can entertain all of my hobbies together for a bigger purpose. So for realz, though. Does anyone know how a sister can go about landing a job of this caliber? Is there anyone out there who wants to feed into my hungry aspirations and to help enhance my social career goals? I need some help. A LOT. This is not a joke! Who do I ask, where do I turn???

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