Resolutions for procrastinators

Oh, WOW! Is it January ALREADY? I didn’t notice. I was lounging, and sleeping, and yawning, and slurping, and not-hitting-my-alarming, and maniacally happy dancing. I was Bi-zzy.  I had spontaneous things to accomplish, items to not cross off of my list, and new things to throw into my house of hoarded volcanic waste ash. I just hope I’m not too late.

But, much to your non-dismay, I am back. I am here, ready to pronounce my intentions. My very shady and non-adult like intentions. Instead of giving you a list of ridiculous bullet points of items that I definitely won’t accomplish for the 68th year in a row, I’m going to tell you about my ecstatically poignant winter vacation, and why it will go down in the books, because it was epic AF.

New YearsOh, and by the WAY – I no longer wish to participate in “New Years Resolutions.” I’m going to participate in appreciating and cherishing what my life has been blessed with, and just all around trying to improve myself and living in the beautiful moment.” And then I’m going to vomit from being so mushy and I’m going to continue on my path for seeking inner solace. Or looking for silver linings. I’ll actually just settle for a good butt joke. Because, if I’m being completely honest here – I’m going to follow a new years’ resolution just like I’m going to follow a public speaking assembly as they go running in a marathon wearing spandex leggings whilst reciting math equations using improper grammar, carrying boa constrictors around their necks as they run their laps and chew with their mouth open. Shit’s not ever going to happen. Plus, I have to keep the bar super low.

  1. Girl, you would NOT believe what I scored at Goodwill! I always bring my little Velcro nugget 10 year old daughter with me. EVERYWHERE. Girlfriend still wants to hold my hand and follow me places like I’m some sort of cool person who spews cool words of popular pied piper glitter magic laced with uber coolness. I’m not going to argue it. It’s hella ego boosting for me. I just feel a teensy bit guilty for her and how she could be doing SO many other non-lamo things with her time. Let’s be honest. I am no svelte, super stylish, sleek triathlon, classy, ritzy, youthfully cool, lyric spewing, mistaken-for-a-teenager mom.  So anyhoo – we go to Goodwill. She HATES when I pilfer through the clothes. She just goes along with my odd taste so she can eventually make it over to the ‘toy’ section. But, dude – I’m scoring a brand new with tags pair of shoes over here, and ain’t nobody got time for TOYS. She waits patiently, and girl, I still had SO many things to look at, but I felt like the least I could do was to entertain her yearning for toy scouring. So off we go. I had not even mentally fixated on that section yet, as my brain matter was still forcing me to take in every single sight to the left, to the right – I wonder if that pillow has been sneezed on – Oooh, that book looks severely mediocre, Ah! – Would that jacket enhance my youthful glow? Eek! Do those platform shoes make me look fat, you know, the normal questions that I’m sure anyone would ask themselves as they look around and take it all in. Oh, hell no! Wait one second! LO AND BEHOLD, I see it – I FREAKING see it! My daughter finally has my mental GPS on lock down, and my eyes settle on something that I see in the toy section, where she finally gets to be – A BRAND NEW, IN THE BOX, SECOND FOR MY HOUSEHOLD – ELF ON THE SHELF. I cannot believe my eyes. I can’t help that my first reaction is: “Who in their ever loving minds got rid of this precious cargo in the first place?!?” And my second reaction forces me to snap my arm from three feet away so quick with my serpent like reflexes (I did the test, and I’m in Slytherin), fastened it onto my suction cupped skin pores, and reeled it back in, all the while assuming the Karate Kid crane stance to warrant off any offenders who might have some crooked ideas about chisting my new prize. I just can’t believe my luck.

crane2. I read 2 books, you effers!! TWO! Granted, one book was “Harry Potter and the Cursed Child.” As much as I love the Harry Potter series,           I may have had some issues getting into this book since it was quite different from the series that I have come to love so much. I am now on     my way to clearing my bookshelves, and am now reading: “Amy Schumer: The Girl with the Lower Back Tattoo.” Not only do I feel like I           have met my spirit animal, I’m wondering how my dumbass can’t make more than $1.50 an hour based on my skills and expertise, and             she’s living the St. John dream. What I lack in talent, I overdramatize in non-talent. Make sense? Welcome to my life.

3. Poignantly enough – for my third bullet bpoint, we saw 3 movies over this nice, lengthy winter break!  We saw Rogue One, which most of my     family absolutely loved, but me and my youngest nugget were bored to stale, petrified tears. We’re not big Star Wars people, me and her, so     I get that that is kind of a big part of it. Rock on, though for entertaining the other half of my crew so joyously. They loved the shit out of it,         so I can’t do anything but applaud that herculean success. We also saw Sing, which me and the 3 minions thoroughly enjoyed. There is           something about singing competitions that I am always going to dig. People from obscurity coming to audition – the whole rags to riches           concept tugs at my one heart string every time. And, who knew that Reese Witherspoon and Scarlett Johansson had such badass pipes?

4. Speaking of lengthy winter break, I’m always going to consider that second week a nice Christmas present bonus for myself. Like a                 Christmas gift that I gave to myself that one day I applied at the school system. Re-lax.

5. OMG I have a second Elf on the Shelf!

6. I got me some organizational tools. I know for normal peeps like you, this is just a normal, run of the mill event. But, for me, this is a big           thang. I have zero storage space in my house, and LOTS of ADD riddled activities that I need shitloads of space for! I could use 3 extra             bedrooms. My scrapbooking room is just on a little hiatus until my 10 year old moves out. Why not the 12 year old, you ask? Because my       10 year old’s room has better lighting, set up and Feng-shui for my creative juices, but until then, it has to be hidden and stuffed and packed     into every possible allowable crevice in my bedroom and garage.


7. Nice long breaks give me time to pontificate and rejuvenate. They give me time to thank my lucky stars that I have time off with my kids, and to rejoice in the fact that we all have great health, sweet quality time, and lots of mornings to sleep in for just a few days to fuhgeddabout the evil alarm clock. This sweet euphoria also tricks me into being eagerly excited to skip back into the office, only to find myself seconds later daydreaming about the next upcoming break. Let’s go, summer!

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