Resolve this!

Word. So most people have New Years Resolutions. Most people are normal. Most people are not me. I understand that people can change their ways at any point during the year. However, there’s something to be said for a rejuvenation, a renewal of New Year’s vows, and at the very least, an attempt to change your idiotic ways. I love lists! I love making them, crossing off maybe 1 or 2 items, and then making more!  I get sidetracked halfway through the list, and then I make another! So, of course a person like me is going to have a resolution!

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Here are a list of things that I would really love to accomplish, but probably never will. At least I tried.

Blogging:  So I absolutely love to blog. The problem is that I fall asleep on the couch, floor, toilet, mid-stride, what have you, at 8:45 EVERY night. I can’t stay awake even to throw my bulbous carcass up the stairs. So, I need to either blog more, or figure out that whole time machine conundrum.

Reading:  OMG I love to read. I have a SHITchute of books just ready to be picked up and noticed. I have a series that I’m reading now that is gripping and hard to put down, but given my sloth like evening rituals, usually I just end up jerking myself awake while spilling my glass of red wine down the front of my shirt.

Keeping my House Cleaner:  Ha ha!  This sentence opening looks like it says that I am going to keep my house cleaner! As in I have someone who I pay to come clean my house, and I’m going to keep her, because the alternative would be lethal!  HAHAHA.  I’m hoping to clean my house better.  LOLOL. Let me just push the nonsense away and be honest. I am who I am. I am a damn unorganized slob, and I do the damn best I can do. You’ll never be able to eat off of my floors, but I can tell you a really funny joke while you’re on your hands and knees cleaning it for me.

Cheers to my stupidass resolutions

Try and Learn How to Cook, for all that is Holy!  So, today I attempted to bake something. That shit did not turn out well. It doesn’t take a genius to follow a recipe. This “genius” followed a recipe and still nose-dive flounder flopped, and there were burning embers, and raw pieces, and fugly outcomes. I suck at most things.

Get off my Fat @ss!!:  The typical “I need to go to the gym starting January 1st!” resolution. I never said when I plan on going to the gym, or if I even plan to. I just know that I need to get my cellulite circulating. I might start that today or I might start that this December 31. The specifics are sketchy.

Part Time Job:  Here’s my dream in a nutshell: I love my full time job. I just happen to also be in the market for a part-time job. My ideal p.t. position would include guest blogging or newspaper article writing, or something having to do with writing that I can do from home!  So, all you dream weavers out there who can make wishes happen, wave your wands and make a bitches’ dream come true.

Amen, for realz and hallelujah

Crafting: If I just took 2 seconds to recognize my artistic gumption, then I would probably have a quasi-successful online situation happening. If I tried.

School:  So, most of these items carry over from year to year.  How long have I wanted to finish my degree now?  I think what will end up happening is that when I am ready to move to the 55 and over community that is located in our area, I will have plenty of time on my hands to finish my 4 year degree with my fellow geriatrics as I am waiting impatiently, playing Candy Crush, as they take  their turns in shuffleboard, reminding myself that I really need to be working on that thesis paper, if only my feeble brain could figure out the wifi password without breaking a hip.

More Panera Green Tea: So, Panera has the BEST FREAKING green tea on the planet. I only discovered this recently when I got rear-ended and had to wait 769 minutes for a report to be written and simultaneously being blocked by the perp’s tow truck. It’s HEAVENLY with a dash of naughty sauce.

To Lodge a Formal Complaint Against Global Warming. This Idiot Hates the Heat!  Good freaking grief. This HEAT! I am from here, blah blah, can legit complain about this asinine heat wave, and will definitely do so. It’s Re-Dic. I hate it. I want a winning winter, a fantastic fall, and a spectacular spring. But, unfortunately I live in Florida. And that’s okay. So I’ll definitely be enjoying our short-lived 3 days of sub 70 degrees that is heading our way.

Mourn and Cry and Have a Hissy Fit That the Holidays are Gone:  Now, this is a resolution that I can get behind! Every year, Halloween happens then the next day is Christmas. I simply don’t know where the time goes. It’s a freaking blur! I don’t appreciate it, and it pisses me off.

Try and Think Before you Speak for God Sakes:  This is probably never going to happen. But, at least it’s on my radar.

So, the moral of this gobbledygook is:  It’s good to have goals. It’s better to have positive, doable goals, but I don’t subscribe to that theory. Peace.


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