My stagnant dreams for higher learning

Oh. Hey. Sad Emoji face. I’m feeling a little down, in the dumps, a little bleh. I was just thinking about how if any of you are ever invited to my house – (don’t worry, you won’t be – along with the rest of the population) which would actually be a conundrum, given my social anxiety, my loathing of people and my dread for cleaning – there is that one day every couple of weeks, that 5 minute window, where my house is clean, and I’ve also had a crazy epiphany to invite some peeps over (for WHAT?) and if you happen to get past my guard dog and the worried look on my face, and you just so happen to peruse the walls in my house, there is something that you will not see. You definitely will not see a lovely, framed University diploma. Anywhere.

Graduation mortar on top of books

HORRIFIC. Please do not get me wrong, I absolutely love my life. I would not change a second of that shit. Not one second. But, I would change one little, teensy, eensy INSIGNIFICANT, non-outcome affecting segment. Because girlfriend was IMMATURE AF right after I graduated high school, and I didn’t always (ever) make the most wise decisions about my schooling.

I SERIOUSLY love me some school. I always have. I could be a career student, if the ending of this story wasn’t so sad. I am unsure of the exact moment that brought me to a NON-ACCREDITED, private school. I don’t know what was going through my feeble brain, and I’m not sure what the HELL I thought I would do with that STUPID “paralegal” degree in the future.

When I was fresh out of high school, I attended a community college. The wheels in my brain seemed to be cranking along just fine at that point. For one semester. Then, I started farting around, and dropped a class or two, until I found myself schoolless and busted. Then, things became delusional. I became this person who yearned for the knowledge in such a way that I stupidly and absurdly attended a school that IS NOW CLOSED DOWN. For the love of baby Jesus, the school is CLOSED.


I did finally gain some sense, and left said school and managed to obtain my AA degree. I also managed, for a few semesters, to get accepted into UCF and do very well. However, once my ENORMOUS student loans from the first school started coming in, and the relentless loan officers wouldn’t leave me the F alone, I had to suck it up, buttercup, and deal with the fact that I had a $15,000 loan to repay, with nothing to show for it. I was newly married, and had to put my PASSION for education on hiatus, and deep down in my darkened soul, I knew that I would eventually pick up where I left off.

It’s been so many years. I’ve gotten re-accepted before. And a time or two before that. I’ve even registered for courses, and prayed that I would have the jack to pay for it. But, every single time, I have had to drop the class, because, really in no universe was I able to justify my $15K school loan that was staring down the back of the neck of a young, poor homeowner.

SOOOOOOOO, here’s the deal. I just got re-accepted. Again. This time is different. My determination is insurmountable, and nobody is going to mess with my quest for the higher learning! Right after my family scenario, how I cherish them, prayed to get pregnant with all 3 of my babies, have had a very happy and successful life, always been my yearning to go back to school. It is a severe burning sensation that emanates from my sphincter gloid, and just won’t hide it’s ugly head. No hemorrhoid cream on the plane can dampen this desire.


I do not know how in the HELL I am going to pay for this nonsense. I’m the person who grabs one too many boxes of mac and cheese in the grocery store, and realizes I have surpassed my budget (by a ton) and have to quickly re-evaluate the significance of some of my items, therefore returning them to their original (maybe not always) positions in the store. I have many, many blessings. My 3 kids are very fortunate – we go on vacations, they have nice clothes and shoes and always have everything they need. They are so loved. I barter and trade my clothes on eBay, and I think my husband has 2 pairs of shorts. But, this is the way that we prefer to live because our children will always come first. (Dang, that was serious).

So, here’s what I will do. I have 3 months – THREE months to make some JACK. I can’t get another loan, grant, or aid, so this shit has to be cold, hard cash and probably a few vials of blood, maybe my favorite cat and a pair of Jordache jeans from 1985. So, in light of the economics class that luckily I do no have to take – I’ve had to start spinning my rusty cranium wheels.

Anyhoo – I have composed a list of things that I might be able to do over the summer to make some quick dough. And, I’m open for suggestions on some other pimp hustling ideas that Joe Public might have to offer.

Your heart should feel severe pity
Your heart should feel severe pity
  1. I was thinking about pet sitting. However, I have a huge inferiority and social anxiety complex, so the circle would have to start real small. I would begin solely on referrals, and my clients would have to be extremely geographically desirable. I love me some cats! I would play, love, and stroke the…felines, and I would do a great, amazing job, because I might like animals just a tad more than people.
  2. Sell all the things on eBay. I have some items of clothing that no longer fit, and along with that stuff, as well as trying to de-clutter mine and my kids’ closets, I can probably make a decent hunj to set aside for my educational cause. Although, it is quite the quandary when I’m trying to print a shipping label, and there’s no *$&@ printer ink! #loser.
  3. Start back up with my amazingly popular and extremely successful extreme couponing, and whatever I save goes towards the cause. Whew, because that .50 is going to come in hella handy. I also like to skim a little off the top when it comes to grocery shopping. I know for all the housewives out there (I’m a summer HW) they know what I’m talking about and no deets are needed.
  4. I could get my jewelry business started again. I could buy all the necessary supplies, and then once I’ve spent 2 weeks solid with no pee or water breaks making all of the lanyards and earrings, I could spend even more time to get each item listed, and then be immensely remorseful when I find myself in the hole $500. My major really needs an economic class.
  5. I could ask 700 people to give me a dollar. or 1400 people to give me .50. Better yet, it’s just easier asking 2800 people for a quarter. I’m not 100% positive that math is right, which begs my cause further. #doesntaddup.

UCF36. My birthday is coming up. I guess I could ask 20 people for UCF tuition vouchers. But, only like 4 people get me gifts, which is hella cool, however, usually 3 of them are hand made, or come from Target, which is the closest store to my pad. I haven’t checked the UCF site yet for payment options, so there might be a chance that they take iTunes or Bed Bath and Beyond gift cards as well.

I don’t know what other hustling I can get involved in. I don’t like selling things on my community online garage sale page. I hate meeting people for the first time, and honestly, for me, selling things and having people give them the once over is just downright awkward AF. I don’t want to pimp myself out as a babysitter, because honestly, I see enough kiddos during the school year, enough to give me a lifetime achievement award for a pulitzer patience prizewinner. I mean, a sister is pretty desperate. So, I’ll have to revisit that option later.


UCF4I mean, I could go clean some people’s houses. But for the most part, since I won’t go clean new people’s houses that I don’t know, and I think the only cleaning supply I own is Up and Up spray with bleach, plus coupled with the fact that people have seen my house, and they would probably wonder why I wouldn’t just deep clean that first, I’m not really sure this option is a great fit. So, sigh. That’s my situation. I have devised a semi-quasi hustle plan for the summer. I got my college class locked in, and I’m ready to start paying $10 at a time. Nobody is going to stop this crazy, jackwad from taking this course, because I have had years of mad, psycho experience where you just don’t want to mess with this batshit lady. Who volunteers to stand in my way? I don’t know how, but it’ll happen. I can’t deposit my will or determination into the UCF tuition account, but I sure as hell can withdraw $20 every other paycheck without any witnesses. IDEAS? #helpless. ‘kay, thanks!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.